Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
There is only one you in the whole world...
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole
While South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless.
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
Did you guys hear about the guy that had the whole left side of his body amputated?
My kids get confused when I throw whole basil leaves at them this time of year
But as they say, 'tis the season
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
Went camping with a time traveler but they were silent the whole time...
...I think they prefer speaking in future tents
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
Finally got around to watching the whole “Back to the Future” trilogy!
A man was swallowed whole by a whale..
He ran to the end until he was all pooped out.
Disney decided to make a whole series about Amanda
Made pancakes yesterday and the whole house smelled like lavender
I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night
If only you could see me now
My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt
How dare they laugh at my pain.
What do you call it when the whole neighbourhood has tea together?
Well, I've been on a diet for a whole week now...
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I have a new girlfriend named Ursula. She’s my whole universe...
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Did you know that Stalin never said thank you throughout his whole life
That’s because he didn’t speak English
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
A whole arRAY of stingray puns here
You can’t stay down to earth your whole life
You just wouldn’t have any potential
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
To the person whole stole my Microsoft Office
I will find you, you have my Word
What cant you find at Whole Foods?
I just read the whole dictionary in one sitting.
I learned the definition of boring.
Because if the whole quarantine thing,
I will only be telling inside jokes.
I had this whole joke ready about birds, but I forgot it.
Guess I have to wing it now.
I work at Johnsonville, lost a whole pallet of sausages yesterday - luckily I have a plan...
Time for the “wurst-case scenario”. Glad I brat that to your attention? Sorry, I know these jokes are played, you gotta take sausage jokes on a casing by casing basis. Ok I’ll stop now.
This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
This gives a whole new meaning to Mass Shooting!
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.
He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
I have fantasised about installing irrigation my whole life
But it's just a pipe dream
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
I was driving behind this guy and realized he is celebrating a whole year early!!
A whole new meaning to delivery...
Blanch: "Why did pickling upset you so badly? Is everything ok?" Me: "The whole experience was quite jarring...."
Blanch: "I get it. That can leave you in a bad headspace but, I'm an open kettle - you can tell me anything."
Me: "I just need to vent, Blanch."
What did the lumberjack say after cutting down the whole forest?
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
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