You know why a T-Rex walks with bent back?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, βBurger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?β.
βNoβ, replies the burger, βbut I can tell you youβre going to need an umbrella later.β
βOh, sorryβ, said the man, βI thought you were a meaty urologistβ.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Me: "ARE YOU ASHAMED TO WALK WITH ME?"
Wife: "Why are you shouting?"
Me: "Because you're on the other side of the road. "
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
βBack in the day...β my dad started to say. βYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...β he lamented...
βWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
π︎ 192
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - βwhatβll you have?β Bear says βIβll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.β Bartender says βalright. Say whatβs with the big pause?β
Bear says βoh these? I was born with em.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 430
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks βDo you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?β
The pirate replies, β Arrrgh, itβs drivinβ me nuts!β
π︎ 88
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
Why should you walk with your phone every day?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, βOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!β
The man says, βItβs not a lion itβs a giraffeβ
π︎ 175
π
︎ Dec 19 2018
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed βOuch, what are you doing!!β
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 29 2019
What you get when you play the song "walk with me in hell" at double speed?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 20 2019
A man walks into a doctor's office with celery in one ear, peas in the other, and a carrot up each nostril, and says "Doc, I don't feel well". The doctor replies "It's because you aren't eating right."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 20 2019
Son: Dad, every time a woman walks by you stare at her butt. What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing, my hindsight is 20/20
π︎ 27
π
︎ Aug 30 2018
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 23 2018
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk (New to the sub, hope this hasnβt been posted before, apologies if it has)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 03 2018
So a man walks into a diner and says to the waiter βIβll take a cup of coffee with no creamer.β And then the waiter says βSorry sir, weβre out of creamer. Can I get you a cup of coffee with no milk?β
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 13 2017
A man walks into a fishmonger with a trout flopping back and forth under his arm and asks "Do you do fishcakes?"
Pointing at the fish, "Cos it's his birthday."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 17 2018
Walk into a restaurant with my family and Grandmother asks, "Do you serve crab cakes?"
My dad jumps in and says, "Sit right down ma'am - we serve everyone!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 07 2016
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 24 2016
βBack in the day...β my grandfather started to say. βYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.β
βBut today...β he continued. βWherever you go, there are cameras...β
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 04 2018
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants bartender says βaye mate you have a steering wheeling hanging from your pantsβ
Pirate replies βarrrgh I know and itβs driving me nuts!β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 20 2019
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, βHey, youβve got a steering wheel on your pants.β
The pirate says, βArrrr, I know. Itβs driving me nuts.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says "sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel down your pants?"
The pirate says "Aye, it be drivin me nuts"
π︎ 28
π
︎ Sep 25 2018
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