You know why a T-Rex walks with bent back?
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, “Burger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.
“No”, replies the burger, “but I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”
“Oh, sorry”, said the man, “I thought you were a meaty urologist”.
Me: "ARE YOU ASHAMED TO WALK WITH ME?"
Wife: "Why are you shouting?"
Me: "Because you're on the other side of the road. "
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - “what’ll you have?” Bear says “I’ll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.” Bartender says “alright. Say what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Why should you walk with your phone every day?
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed “Ouch, what are you doing!!”
He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”
What you get when you play the song "walk with me in hell" at double speed?
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
A man walks into a doctor's office with celery in one ear, peas in the other, and a carrot up each nostril, and says "Doc, I don't feel well". The doctor replies "It's because you aren't eating right."
Son: Dad, every time a woman walks by you stare at her butt. What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing, my hindsight is 20/20
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk (New to the sub, hope this hasn’t been posted before, apologies if it has)
So a man walks into a diner and says to the waiter “I’ll take a cup of coffee with no creamer.” And then the waiter says “Sorry sir, we’re out of creamer. Can I get you a cup of coffee with no milk?”
A man walks into a fishmonger with a trout flopping back and forth under his arm and asks "Do you do fishcakes?"
Pointing at the fish, "Cos it's his birthday."
Walk into a restaurant with my family and Grandmother asks, "Do you serve crab cakes?"
My dad jumps in and says, "Sit right down ma'am - we serve everyone!"
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants bartender says “aye mate you have a steering wheeling hanging from your pants”
Pirate replies “arrrgh I know and it’s driving me nuts!”
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says "sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel down your pants?"
The pirate says "Aye, it be drivin me nuts"
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