Neil before me..
The groundsman said "Morning"
I said "Nah, I'm just having a piss"
The psychiatrist says,"I can clearly see your nuts."
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
The bartender asks “ you know you have a steering wheel on your private, right?” The man replies “I know, it’s driving me NUTS!”
Bartender picks up a piece of ice, and asks "you like ice?"
Terrorist says "Yes, but more than one would be nice"
Bartender grabs another piece of ice and asks "so, you like ices?"
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
thats right, I went on A Bee See(ABC)
Long time fan, first time poster.
Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."
Doctor: Would you like some cream for that?
It’s laundry day.
He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......
Huge axeman
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
...and says, "Hygiene".
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
“Be a little patient.”
Nuts hanging out.
I stopped and asked him what the matter was, he told me his dog had died. I gave my sympathies and offered to get him another one, he just looks at me and says "sure what would I do with two dead dogs".
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.
Pun in, ten dead
Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.
Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.
-Mic drop-
Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?
Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.
(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
We suspect fowl play.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
...but too many customers complained of their stir-fry tasting like urine.
It was a sub I fell for.
I told him it was the car berater.
Neil before me!
Bartender asks what that's all about.
Pirate says "arrrrrgh, I have a bounty on me head"
Neil before me.
Neil before me.
It’s laundry day.
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
It’s laundry day.
The bartender says; "hey, what's with the paper towel?" And the pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head!"
