Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Why do I always cry when I wake up?
It’s too early in the mourning!
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I wake up grumpy some mornings...
But usually I let her sleep.
What do ants drink when they wake up?
*Wakes up with ear infection*
I said to my doctor "I wake up thinking I'm a penguin, and by the end of the day I believe I'm an arctic fox."
An alcoholic wakes up in prison
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Someone just arrested my friend’s dad, and he won’t wake up.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
A lawyer wakes up after surgery
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.
She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
What time do ducks wake up?
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
In what country do they wake all the dads early on Father’s Day?
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak...
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?
Some days I wake up grumpy
Other days I let her sleep in
[author not known]
A baker’s son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.
The father asked him if he was feeling sad.
The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.
The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.
He asked him ok but why did you need them?
The boy looked confused.
Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.
No but why the fuck did you knead them?
What do you call it when you wake someone up from cryogenic sleep?
How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?
A lady's husband died and at the wake, I hugged her and said, "they're there."
"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."
I tried to wake her up.. but she’s so purrsistent
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
Did anyone wake up Green Day yet?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Anyone else wake up with perfect vision today?
I was going to wake up early to watch the sun rise.
But then it dawned on me that I should sleep in.
I always balance on one leg after I wake up
That way my day starts off on the right foot
Santa wakes in a start and turns to Mrs Claus
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
John Cena: *wakes up in hospital* Where am I? Doctor:ICU John Cena: No you cant
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
Dad has a ghost that wakes him at night with Bohemian folk music.
He thinks it's a polkageist.
Somebody wake up Billie Joe Armstrong
He told us to wake him up when September ends.
What wakes a rooster every morning?
It's Christmas morning and Mariah Carey wakes up to see what her boyfriend got her this year.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates. Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.
But I don’t lose any sleep over it.
John Cena: *wakes up from coma* where am I? Nurse: ICU.
My grandfather used to wake up very early every morning to go sailing.
When I asked him why so early, he replied with "the schooner, the better!"
How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?
Why shouldn't you wake a crustacean up early in the morning?
They're always a bit crabby
Every morning I wake up feeling like rice crispies
My body goes snap, crackle, pop
Dad: what's the first thing you do when you wake up?
Me: I check my mobile.
Dad: eh wrong.... You open your eyes.
How did people wake up before alarm clocks?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
When you wake up in a bathtub full of ice
You've got to be kidney me
Did anybody wake greenday up?
My Dad Asked my Mom to Wake Me Up in the Morning.
My sons H (5) and L (3) wake up yesterday morning...
L: Daddy?
Me: Yes, sweety
L: I, hungry
H, without missing a beat: Hi hungry, I'm H!
I've never been prouder.
My wife’s name is Vera. Every morning I wake up and say “Cactus..!!!!”
Well it’s quicker than saying “‘Allo Vera...!”
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
Son wakes up and walks into the kitchen. Me "Did you sleep well?" Son "Yea, how did you sleep?"
I was in denial of my grandma dying until the wake. But then I saw her face.
How do you wake a gambling woman?
Somebody needs to remember to go wake up that guy from Green Day tomorrow.
Every single time I wake up later than 9 A.M.
My son asked if we could wake up and watch the sunrise
I told him no, but he can watch the dadsleep instead
I hate to ask. But did someone wake up Greenday yet?
A man wakes up in the morning and notices that a his housecoats have been stolen.
He yells out "My God, I've been robed"
Going to get a friend named dawn that wakes up at noon.
That way I can say I always wake up before dawn.
Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
How do you wake up lady gaga?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Why don't people in Athens wake up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
when does a duck wake up?
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You P-P-P-P-Poke her face.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga
How do you wake up lady gaga?
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t Stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
What time do ducks wake up?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy ...
... and sometimes I let her sleep in.
Did anyone remember to wake up Green day this year?
What time do ducks wake up?
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up to the song Don’t Stop Believing.
It was an unexpected Journey.
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