An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there
"For excessive drinking" the officer replies
So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?
Because it was de-livered.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear “I’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
As a pilot in the Navy I have to wake up early in the morning
You know, for my morning portie.
COVID-19 has brought new meaning to “Wake up and SMELL the coffee.”
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
In what country do they wake all the dads early on Father’s Day?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?
A baker’s son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.
The father asked him if he was feeling sad.
The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.
The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.
He asked him ok but why did you need them?
The boy looked confused.
Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.
No but why the fuck did you knead them?
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?
A lady's husband died and at the wake, I hugged her and said, "they're there."
"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."
I was going to wake up early to watch the sun rise.
But then it dawned on me that I should sleep in.
My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.
But I don’t lose any sleep over it.
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?
Why shouldn't you wake a crustacean up early in the morning?
They're always a bit crabby
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Dad: what's the first thing you do when you wake up?
Me: I check my mobile.
Dad: eh wrong.... You open your eyes.
My Dad Asked my Mom to Wake Me Up in the Morning.
I was in denial of my grandma dying until the wake. But then I saw her face.
My son asked if we could wake up and watch the sunrise
I told him no, but he can watch the dadsleep instead
Son wakes up and walks into the kitchen. Me "Did you sleep well?" Son "Yea, how did you sleep?"
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up to the song Don’t Stop Believing.
It was an unexpected Journey.
A man wakes up in the morning and notices that a his housecoats have been stolen.
He yells out "My God, I've been robed"
How does Capt. Hook wake up in the morning?
I found out why I Can't Wake Up in the mornings
I told the hotel receptionist, “I would really like a wake up call”.
She said, “Get off Reddit for once and do something productive.”
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning & find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Wake up honey, wake up!!! The house is in flames
OK dear but please do not scream or you will wake up your mom too
My mom would always wake up early to cut the crust off of my sandwiches.
She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
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