The genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatβs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
π︎ 17k
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︎ Dec 22 2020
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
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︎ Jan 07 2021
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.
It was as big as the last two combined!
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I told my boss, βSorry Iβm late. I was having computer issues.β
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. Itβs my laptop.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Nov 25 2020
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
π︎ 574
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
π︎ 137
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
π︎ 393
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....
my birthday would be 24/7
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 438
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︎ Dec 26 2020
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
π︎ 591
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 971
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︎ Dec 16 2020
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
π︎ 92
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
π︎ 154
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....
Then I realised, it was on paws.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
π︎ 91
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 509
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
π︎ 658
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︎ Dec 10 2020
What was Achillesβ weakness?
The man, The myth. The leg end.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they got in a fight and 2021
π︎ 83
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Where was Moses when the lights went out?
In the dark.
My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.
π︎ 52
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︎ Jan 07 2021
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
π︎ 530
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︎ Dec 12 2020
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 87
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
π︎ 100
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Thought this pun was original. It is not.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he canβt even look at himself in the mirror.
π︎ 260
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
I was at the store yesterday and some dude threw a jug of milk at my head
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
π︎ 160
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︎ Dec 22 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
π︎ 19k
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.
I said to myself, thatβs a little condescending
π︎ 114
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︎ Dec 26 2020
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
π︎ 189
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was,
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 05 2021
One that didn't suck in 2020 was my wife.
I didn't get a single blow job.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
π︎ 47
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︎ Jan 04 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 177
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I was told to come up with a pun about my surroundings...
I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I was dating a communist recently
It was a horrible relationship, all the red flags were there.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I always thought Ruby Tuesday was by the Beatles,
turns out it's by the Cinnabon.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
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