My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.
My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"
I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.
Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."
I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.
Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)
Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?
Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?
Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...
Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!
And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.
He was AdamAnt.
Because next year is 2020 won.
And I must say, it made it rather in-tents.
She flipped me off then hit the cow.
A milk dud
Utter disaster.
I mooved past it.
Because their horns don't work. Β―_(γ)_/Β―
Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.
I thought, thatβs weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess thatβs what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Edit: corrected an udder failure.
They lactose. ( lack toes ? ) . I'll see my self out.
Is an utter disappointment?
All I did was take a day off...
Because they lactose.
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
An utter gentleman.
ASmoooooothie.
Hasnβt even been making milk! Itβs an utter failure.
They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment
Because the cow has the utter
"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"
She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."
I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"
Iβm utterly tickled to be here.
The practitioner uttered through a smile, βjust what the doctor orderedβ.
A Boobie!! Ahahah
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:
Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.
Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.
Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Me: loses it
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."
The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"
She says: "Adam and Eve!"
She gets into Heaven.
The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"
She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"
She gets into Heaven.
The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"
Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."
The saint lets her right into Heaven.
The End.
He said he utter-ly loved it!!
There's naan like it.
You tell one, pretty soon they all herd.
It's a bunch of bull, really.
My son was playing with a fly. Itβs wings were messed up so it couldnβt fly away. He was holding it and said, βDaddy, this flyβs wings are broke.β I said, βthen itβs not a fly, itβs a walk.β
I got utter silence from the people around me, though my daughter giggled a little.
Utter destruction.
Utter destruction
Because the cow has the utter
