Utterer Puns

My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.

My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"

I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.

Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."

I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.

Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)

Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?

Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?

Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...

Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!

And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.

Because next year is 2020 won.

And I must say, it made it rather in-tents.

Because their horns don't work. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

They lactose. ( lack toes ? ) . I'll see my self out.

Because they lactose.

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

An utter gentleman.

All I did was take a day off...

Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

Utter destruction.

ASmoooooothie.

Because the cow has the utter

They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment

I’m utterly tickled to be here.

"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"

She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."

The practitioner uttered through a smile, “just what the doctor ordered”.

A Boobie!! Ahahah

He said he utter-ly loved it!!

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

My son was playing with a fly. It’s wings were messed up so it couldn’t fly away. He was holding it and said, “Daddy, this fly’s wings are broke.” I said, “then it’s not a fly, it’s a walk.”

I got utter silence from the people around me, though my daughter giggled a little.

There's naan like it.

They're really, truly, utterly, amazingly, unbelievably, astoundingly, hard to avoid in speech or text.

You tell one, pretty soon they all herd.

It's a bunch of bull, really.

I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"

I just stood at the back and ting

Whenever I rub my dogs belly, they look like cows utters.

It's complete and utter panarchy.

Udder destruction

Probably a re-post, but I haven't seen it on here in quite a while

If you have seen it recently... I'm utterly sorry

Such an utter disaster

If it's not one thing it's an utter

It goes in one end, and out the utter.

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked “what’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, “you can talk?”

“Yes” the well said, “long ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

“Alas” the woman said, “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

“Do not be afraid” the well said, “I will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

Utter destruction

Because the cow has the utter