Dad: "Did you keep my two pair of pants?"
Mom: " umm but why two ?"
Dad: in case i get a hole in one
Me : "Take a guess"
Waiter : "Medium rare"?
Me : "Well done"
Waiter : "umm, huh"???
They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
Sillycone!
spirituality has lost its spirit and it's now just a ritual
Fire does not matter
Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?
It was now Hans free.
I asked him if he likes those dots that go over certain vowels.
He replied, "Umm, lots!"
Me: Only sometimes.
โGood, take these lasagnas to table 6โ he said.
I๏ธ got fired because I๏ธ took a couple days off
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so โฎ(โโฝโ)โญ ~
Get it? Met-a-four?
So I went over and said Iโd like to replace your cat and she said thatโs fine with me but how are you at catching mice?!
Don't they have a right to bare arms?
Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.
Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.
Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?
W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?
M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and
W: You should post that joke there!
I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.
I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...
They both have a collar ID
Teacher: โWhat will next weekโs test be on?โ
Class: โConfidence intervals andโฆ.โ
Teacher: โNo, itโll be on paper.โ
Class: โUghโฆโ
Teacher: โAnd how long will it be?โ
Class: โUmm, like, ten questions?โ
Teacher: โNo, 8.5 by 11 inches.โ
Class: โGoddamnit.โ
Again....this is from a 1st grader...
Knock knock
Who's there
A panda Bear
A panda bear who?
No, you're supposed to say What Panda Bear...
Ok What panda bear?
Umm......a tiger?
Not a dad joke...but I laughed anyway
Peppermint Patty: I got France!
Linus: I got Spain!
Charlie Brown: I got Iraq...
The plot is Gilbert Gottfried playing himself is sent back in time to kill Stalin (also played by Gilbert Gottfried). But Gilbert ends up slowly falling in love with Stalin as they bond over things like pancakes shaped like barn animals and making snow angels. The movie ends with Gilbert and Stalin getting married and raising two kids named Jenny and Egor (played by Gilbert Gottfried) in the suburbs with their golden retriever, Rex (played by Gilbert Gottfried)
She was originally going to school for radiography but has changed her mind and decided to go a different route
Her: "I'm going to major in Kinesiology."
Me: "What's that?"
Her: "It's the study of the human body with relation to movement and fitness."
Me: "That sounds neat. What do you already know about it?"
Her: "Next to nothing. But I also don't know Chemistry. Well, except for the basics."
Me: "What about the acids?"
I'm currently on a weekend away with a local youth group near me since they needed more leaders. Someone explained to me that there was a leak in one of the boys bedrooms that needed fixing. I exclaimed "a leak? Why are they taking vegetables to their rooms?"
Suffice to say groans were had all around.
He said "Oh, Cool Ranch?"
Me: Umm...this is clearly a Colonial
Because they're long fellows.
My dad just busted that one out and the absurdity is killing me.
I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:
"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers
"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers
If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.
EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!
Me: Whats new?
Grandpa: hmm let me see.. New York.. New Mexico.. New Orleans.. And umm.. New Jersey, yeah that's pretty new.
Me: Groan
Daughter: Daddy, we are building a "fork" Dad: yes, it's very knife! Mom: umm... Dad: hope we can play again spoon!
you cantaloupe!
Seriously though, this is a two-fer. I was putting a watermelon in a carrier box in the car, saying "There you go little guy, you'll be safe in your own box". My SO rolls her eyes and says 'stop it'.
I say, "What, I can't be melondramatic?"
I was walking by with a jar of olives when he told me: "You know that was Santa's eighth reindeer, right?" Me:"Umm, Olive?" Him:"Yeah, you know the song! ..and olive the other reindeer laughed and called Rudolph names!"
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Umm, no thanks I'd rather not.
Dad: Hey, why did the elephant paint his balls red?
Me: Umm.. I don't know, why?
Dad: To hide in a cherry tree!
Me: ...
Dad: Okay.. how did Tarzan get killed?
Me: sigh I don't know Dad, how?
Dad: Picking cherries!
Facepalms all around by everyone in earshot, and Dad would know that he had done well.
Me- I meet an interesting person the other day
Her- Oh, ok?
Me- Turns out he runs a school
Her- Not too interesting so far...
Me- Yeah, but it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons
Her- umm, sorry, what?
Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?
eyeroll intensifies
Meteorology professor asked if anyone knew why earth was experiencing such extreme weather changes?
Me: Umm, because it's bipolar...
As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.
So I call up my dad today because my mom isn't answering her cell. When he answers I ask, "hey dad, is mom around?" His reply: "Umm, no, I think she's more sausage-shaped".
Me- I meet an interesting person the other day
Her- Oh, ok?
Me- Turns out he runs a school
Her- Not too interesting so far...
Me- But it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons
Her- umm, sorry, what?
Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?
eyeroll intensifies
