I tapped my 11 year old sonโ€™s knee yesterday and said โ€œwhat organ is this?โ€ He said โ€œumm, my leg?โ€ I said โ€œnope itโ€™s your kid kneeโ€.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ramalamahamjam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Umm... China bans wordplay in attempt at pun control theguardian.com/world/201โ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘︎ 118
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stainlessteal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...

"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"

"umm... what?"

"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"

(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 42
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GladCricket
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad leaving for his golf game

Dad: "Did you keep my two pair of pants?"

Mom: " umm but why two ?"

Dad: in case i get a hole in one

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RookieZA23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Waiter : "How would you like your steak cooked"?

Me : "Take a guess"

Waiter : "Medium rare"?

Me : "Well done"

Waiter : "umm, huh"???

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/neo-1000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 175
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What Kind Of Plastic Does A Clown Use?

Sillycone!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Matt4307
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
spiritual joke

spirituality has lost its spirit and it's now just a ritual

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MockJoke
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Revelations
๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yeast7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Fire is important, but...

Fire does not matter

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poop_assassin123
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after the Force Awakens?

It was now Hans free.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 114
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mojogoing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.

Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kshitij_gettin_real
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Had a bit of a chuckle to this
๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CheckMisan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I have a friend who teaches Germanic languages.

I asked him if he likes those dots that go over certain vowels.

He replied, "Umm, lots!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sharksandwich70
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Me: Honey, I'm terrified of vowels. Wife: Ummm, why?

Me: Only sometimes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 358
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheGreatTave
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. โ€œDo you mind waiting for a bit?โ€ The manager asked. โ€œNot at allโ€ I replied.

โ€œGood, take these lasagnas to table 6โ€ he said.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cotswoldboy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I๏ธ used to work at a calendar factory

I๏ธ got fired because I๏ธ took a couple days off

๐Ÿ‘︎ 641
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cochini123
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

๐Ÿ‘︎ 83
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
One time I lowered my standards when it came to a girl but I told my friends afterwards the girl was hot like a summer day in the Sahara. You could say I metaphor.

Get it? Met-a-four?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/raging64
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just ran over my neighbours cat

So I went over and said Iโ€™d like to replace your cat and she said thatโ€™s fine with me but how are you at catching mice?!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 32
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vanjie98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I can't believe the girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment...

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Origamibyameer1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Waitress Tonight Told I Had To Post This

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do a dog and a phone have in common?

They both have a collar ID

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FireTheCannons2468
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My AP Statistics Teacher is Clearly a Dad

Teacher: โ€œWhat will next weekโ€™s test be on?โ€

Class: โ€œConfidence intervals andโ€ฆ.โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo, itโ€™ll be on paper.โ€

Class: โ€œUghโ€ฆโ€

Teacher: โ€œAnd how long will it be?โ€

Class: โ€œUmm, like, ten questions?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo, 8.5 by 11 inches.โ€

Class: โ€œGoddamnit.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/domoarigatodrloboto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I always tell the students I tutor Dad Jokes. A 1st grader tried to tell one of his own today...

Again....this is from a 1st grader...

Knock knock

Who's there

A panda Bear

A panda bear who?

No, you're supposed to say What Panda Bear...

Ok What panda bear?

Umm......a tiger?

Not a dad joke...but I laughed anyway

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Talon184
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whoops
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dailyfapz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DankingtonAbbey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Peanuts kids had to choose a country out of hat for a book report.

Peppermint Patty: I got France!

Linus: I got Spain!

Charlie Brown: I got Iraq...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bonanza86
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Rom Com Called "I've Fallin for Stalin" Where Gilbert Gottfried Plays Everyone

The plot is Gilbert Gottfried playing himself is sent back in time to kill Stalin (also played by Gilbert Gottfried). But Gilbert ends up slowly falling in love with Stalin as they bond over things like pancakes shaped like barn animals and making snow angels. The movie ends with Gilbert and Stalin getting married and raising two kids named Jenny and Egor (played by Gilbert Gottfried) in the suburbs with their golden retriever, Rex (played by Gilbert Gottfried)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anttwinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My fiance is going back to school

She was originally going to school for radiography but has changed her mind and decided to go a different route

Her: "I'm going to major in Kinesiology."

Me: "What's that?"

Her: "It's the study of the human body with relation to movement and fitness."

Me: "That sounds neat. What do you already know about it?"

Her: "Next to nothing. But I also don't know Chemistry. Well, except for the basics."

Me: "What about the acids?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 209
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/P33T
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got some of my youth group

I'm currently on a weekend away with a local youth group near me since they needed more leaders. Someone explained to me that there was a leak in one of the boys bedrooms that needed fixing. I exclaimed "a leak? Why are they taking vegetables to their rooms?"

Suffice to say groans were had all around.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 66
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SmashMetal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend made a comment about the house I built out of Doritos

He said "Oh, Cool Ranch?"

Me: Umm...this is clearly a Colonial

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Twigsnapper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
You're a poet and you don't know it, but your feet show it,

Because they're long fellows.

My dad just busted that one out and the absurdity is killing me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fanboat
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Need A Pun Joke! Going to be in a spelling bee, need a name.

I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:

"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers

"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers

If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.

EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sexpressed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Grandpa dad joked me pretty good

Me: Whats new?

Grandpa: hmm let me see.. New York.. New Mexico.. New Orleans.. And umm.. New Jersey, yeah that's pretty new.

Me: Groan

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/A_Bridgeburner
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife, daughter and I were building a fort...

Daughter: Daddy, we are building a "fork" Dad: yes, it's very knife! Mom: umm... Dad: hope we can play again spoon!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 91
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/super_dork
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
One honeydew says to two young melons in love...

you cantaloupe!

Seriously though, this is a two-fer. I was putting a watermelon in a carrier box in the car, saying "There you go little guy, you'll be safe in your own box". My SO rolls her eyes and says 'stop it'.

I say, "What, I can't be melondramatic?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Someoneoldbutnew
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guest at the restaurant I work at told me the daddest joke I've ever heard

I was walking by with a jar of olives when he told me: "You know that was Santa's eighth reindeer, right?" Me:"Umm, Olive?" Him:"Yeah, you know the song! ..and olive the other reindeer laughed and called Rudolph names!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BeautimusStormborn
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Smell mop.

Smell mop who?

Umm, no thanks I'd rather not.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sh1ma_Tetsu0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad's old one-two combo.

Dad: Hey, why did the elephant paint his balls red?

Me: Umm.. I don't know, why?

Dad: To hide in a cherry tree!

Me: ...

Dad: Okay.. how did Tarzan get killed?

Me: sigh I don't know Dad, how?

Dad: Picking cherries!

Facepalms all around by everyone in earshot, and Dad would know that he had done well.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 74
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/danmayzing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I can't find any evidence of this pun after some searches...(OC?)

Me- I meet an interesting person the other day

Her- Oh, ok?

Me- Turns out he runs a school

Her- Not too interesting so far...

Me- Yeah, but it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons

Her- umm, sorry, what?

Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?

eyeroll intensifies

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/somethingwickednc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Proud of myself...

Meteorology professor asked if anyone knew why earth was experiencing such extreme weather changes?

Me: Umm, because it's bipolar...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BuddyEndsleigh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut

As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BXRomeo8586
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I can't find any evidence of this pun after some searches... (OC?)

Me- I meet an interesting person the other day

Her- Oh, ok?

Me- Turns out he runs a school

Her- Not too interesting so far...

Me- But it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons

Her- umm, sorry, what?

Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?

eyeroll intensifies

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/somethingwickednc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.