I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. Whatβs left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
π︎ 484
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Nope
π︎ 61
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
A pin for those days when you just... nope.
π︎ 581
π
︎ May 21 2018
βNope,β says the Pope.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Nov 11 2018
I tapped my 11 year old sonβs knee yesterday and said βwhat organ is this?β He said βumm, my leg?β I said βnope itβs your kid kneeβ.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 22 2019
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 23 2015
Link? Nope, it's Mario
π︎ 119
π
︎ Mar 11 2018
Dad, did you get a hair cut? Dad-Nope I got them all cut!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 04 2018
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 04 2019
I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 10 2017
I burnt the Hawaiian pizza
i should have cooked it on aloha temperature
π︎ 304
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
I got fired from my tailoring job
π︎ 24
π
︎ May 08 2021
Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Nope. It hasn't come out yet
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
what do you call a cuban space explorer?
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 01 2021
Allow me to introduce myself
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, βWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.β
He said, βNope. Still have two.β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Cruise go brr
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
What kind of car does Jesus drive?
π︎ 92
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
What is the least spoken language in the world?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
What do genies drink?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Me: Did you steal my thesaurus?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
If hell is hot, then heaven's gotta be cold
Guess that's why they call it paradice
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
She missed you
But her aim is getting better!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My son asked me β Dad did you get a haircut?β
π︎ 590
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!
π︎ 29
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Not a joke, but this just happened...
Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:
Wife: "Are you going to make it?"
Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"
Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"
Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough
Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"
My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
I asked my horse if she stole my thesaurus
π︎ 95
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I have way too many gloves
If anyone wants them, you're welcome to take them off my hands
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
I was asked if I could have any superpower in the world what would it be?
I answered Cold war russia
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
A piece of rope walks in to a bar
Rope: One beer, please.
Bartender: We donβt serve rope here.
Rope:walks outside and thinks
Rope:gets an idea, gets excited & messes up its hair
Rope:walks back in to the bar
Rope: One beer, please.
Bartender: Arenβt you that rope I just refused to serve. Rope: Nope, Iβm a frayed knot.
Edit: Formatting.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenβt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
βDad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?β
βNope. Itβs as easy as 1,1,2,3.β
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Nov 11 2018
Have you heard of the movie Constipation ?
No ? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
"Dyslexa?"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
I thought I had a good joke about a contagious disease but I was wrong.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 30 2020
Me: Did you steal my thesaurus?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
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