A nervous wreck.
It must be because they're always getting twenty winks
And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.
After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"
She said "No, why?"
"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."
Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"
A nervous wreck
It was a nervous wreck.
He's showing dangerous simptoms
Crossing the Streams.
Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
You must be a Simpson then.
He slipped and got the sack
A nervous wreck
A Live Saver
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Explanation:taking on the topic of Lets Play.
Thought this would be better on Shower thoughts but I was pointed here because of the word play aspect.
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow that has been knighted?
Sir Loin
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky
What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash?
Kobe Beef
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
While I was streaming Skyrim, my character got killed by a Giant.
German guy goes: "Don't be sad about your character because sad is just das spelled backwards and das is not good."
A police officer came by and asked, "Who's your dealer?"
The person just stared him in the face.
The police officer then said, "Nice poker face there."
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
Mother:Oh don't worry son, we love you for who you are
Dad:*clenches fists and twitches
Mother:Please don't do this
Dad:begins to have a spasm
Dad:Hi gay I'm dad
A nervous wreck
A nervous wreck
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck
A nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck
Beef jerky!
;)
Beef Jerky
