What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
People with eye twitches always look so well rested...

It must be because they're always getting twenty winks

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbit26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife twitches when falling asleep...

And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.

After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"

She said "No, why?"

"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."

Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PockyBum522
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
🚨︎ report
What lies on the ocean floor twitching uncontrollably?

A nervous wreck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Twitch prime
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My car was twitching after a recent accident.

It was a nervous wreck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys, I think my friend is addicted to spending money on female Twitch streamers

He's showing dangerous simptoms

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitefury07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you call a collaboration on Twitch?

Crossing the Streams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artreii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter was telling me about 'live streaming' and twitch...

Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."

She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".

I told her because it's two almonds.

You might even say.....

Almond Brothers.

(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seannj222
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:

You must be a Simpson then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HosfordHusky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the circumcisionist with a twitch in his hand???

He slipped and got the sack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a twitching boat at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Fallen-Turtle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsyphilitis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mint that downloads twitch streams?

A Live Saver

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olafur125
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If America did have a purge night, there would absolutely be twitch streamers hosting a "Let's Slay"

Explanation:taking on the topic of Lets Play.

Thought this would be better on Shower thoughts but I was pointed here because of the word play aspect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ContrlAltCreate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow that has been knighted?

Sir Loin

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash?

Kobe Beef

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Composer
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the quarantine,

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jitspoe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
German guy in my chat got me while streaming on Twitch

While I was streaming Skyrim, my character got killed by a Giant.

German guy goes: "Don't be sad about your character because sad is just das spelled backwards and das is not good."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xx_das_shame_xx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2017
🚨︎ report
A person was twitching nervously on the street.

A police officer came by and asked, "Who's your dealer?"

The person just stared him in the face.

The police officer then said, "Nice poker face there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
🚨︎ report
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It's humerus, trust me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timesuck47
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Son says he is gay

Mother:Oh don't worry son, we love you for who you are

Dad:*clenches fists and twitches

Mother:Please don't do this

Dad:begins to have a spasm

Dad:Hi gay I'm dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippo436
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 301
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches ?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aakshaj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420_esketit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P4743
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenwarrior131
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zblaze68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch

Beef Jerky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadywacker
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What lies on the ocean floor twitching uncontrollably?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mndaver24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky!

;)

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiki9988
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamSevenLeader
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazylondog
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spectre577
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report

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