My dad lost his leg to cancer earlier this year. Today he tweeted this:
I still can't believe he tweeted this to his millions of followers.
friend tweeted this the other day
me: dad the squirrels in new york city literally do not give a shit they follow me sometimes
dad: its probably because you're a nut
My sister tweeted this a while back. I think we can all agree.
Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted a Dad joke!
https://twitter.com/neiltyson/statuses/429325051679084544
I just wanted to show people one of my favorite tweets by SMII7Y (If this is a repost I am sorry)
One of my own tweets. (follow me @tidytuanzebe)
Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,
My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review."
I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."
Well I mean I would be mad...
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Donald Trump posts his tweets in all-caps.
Guess you could call him a capitalist.
I’m at my school talent show and this guy said...
“before I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..”
“if your name is Michael, please stand up”
then a couple of guys stand up
and he goes
“that concludes my mike check”
(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!)
Click here for credit
What did the bird do when it found a spider?
It tweeted out the location of the website.
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
My bird nosedived straight into a running blender this morning...
All that’s left is shredded tweet.
This tweet was sitting in his drafts for at least a week
Quick moment to appreciate the tweet title.
[ACTUAL QUOTE] A$AP Rocky was released from Swedish prison today. Donald Trump's tweet in response to his release:
"A$AP Rocky released from prison and on his way home to the United States from Sweden. It was a Rocky Week, get home ASAP A$AP!"
How does Melania call Donald to supper?
How do you let birds know when you've refilled the bird feeder?
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
I think Alan Tudyk's latest tweet belongs here
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Bird feeder is empty.
Anticipating nasty tweets.
Why can't you tweet about Game of Thrones?
Because it has more than 140 characters.
[No Pun] My friends and I have been tweeting a pun name every day for months, we think some are great
We've been tweeting them out from @DailyPunName... let me know if you have any feedback or some favorites.
So I saw this tweet, and the image below was all I could think about...
imgur.com/wKAwf
As a guy from Ohio, I love sports.
That's why whenever I tweet about my team, i go "hash browns."
Math
Someone once tweeted that she was "nonplussed" by the goings-on at a convention.
I asked if she was going to subtract herself from the event.
She didn't laugh. I did.
Why do birds hang out on telephone lines?
So they can tweet.
(I hit my family with this one today. Its probably been done before but it was so satisfying hearing everyone groan.)
While feeding some ducks with kids, more ducks turn up.
Me "there's loads coming, they must have sent a telegraph"
Dad friend "there birds, they tweeted it"
What is candy for birds called?
How do birds communicate?
How do birds communicate?
What do birds give out for Halloween?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
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