A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...

I felt your presents!

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..

"I'm a huge metal fan"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...

he can't have my nose, I need it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FTM-Oct2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I texted my friend that I was missing them and they replied with a very cold reply

0K

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackskyspy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..

... Just had my Appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 612
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"

Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkKray35
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?

Re:LAX

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raptavis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m awaiting reply, but it’s possible I was deleted entirely.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/o2lsports
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, β€œHave you read Marx?” The other one replies...

β€œYes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are having a conversation. "My wife has just gone on vacation in the Carribbean" say's one. "Jamaica?" replies the other.

No, she wanted to go.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman checks out of target with two apples, a banana, and a quart of ice cream. The cashier asks, β€œAre you single?” The woman replies, β€œYes, how could you tell?”

β€œBecause you’re ugly.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some-ginger-dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what's with the steering wheel? He replies...

"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"

πŸ‘︎ 461
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aloonyllama
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 433
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...

"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My reply turned into a pun.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whatthehellsteve
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says "Who is that?!" and the other replies...

"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingKaikster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a doctors office. β€œWhat seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. β€œIt’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. β€œBlimey!” Says the doctor, β€œhow do your trousers fit?” β€œLike a glove.”
πŸ‘︎ 271
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenTranslator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmmaJason
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,

"I'm Avery."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TuLongDong
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, β€œI have an appointment at 1:30.” She replies, β€œWhich doctor?”...

The man says β€œno thanks, just a regular doctor please”

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sizzlingmaniac69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, β€œIt looks like rain.” His wife says, β€œYou don’t know that.” To which he replies,

β€œRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_the_arm__
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
6 months and still no reply. They’re afraid of the truth
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellyann59
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A sheep dog tells a farmer, "I've gathered up 40 sheep". The farmer replies, "But we only have 37 sheep?" The dog responds..

"I've rounded them up"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DipNotes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When the clerk says "sorry about your wait", I reply,

"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"

πŸ‘︎ 403
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoTonJoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."

"this is the weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..

YOUR NUTS?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/valonnyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:

"Old habits dye hard".

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tqtshesays
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says β€œregular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks β€œfill?” my dad replies

β€œNo, Fred, nice to meet you”

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDreidel82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, β€œWhat’s your name, son?” He replies, β€œD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, β€œOh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, β€œNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My mom teased my dad, he didn't get a sandwhich after his reply.

My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.

Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot .

Mom: which one?

Dad: Me

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAEInferno
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
🚨︎ report
When people tell me about their favorite band or song artist and say "have you heard of this [song artist] before?" I reply:

"Ofc i heard about this musician, you just told me about them"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShyDemonKat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..

.. just had my Appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshleyJack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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