A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
π︎ 44
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 176
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...
he can't have my nose, I need it!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
I texted my friend that I was missing them and they replied with a very cold reply
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
π︎ 108
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 612
π
︎ May 30 2020
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"
Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
π︎ 62
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, βI heard a good joke today.β Second dog replies, βGo on then.β First dog continues, βKnock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Iβm awaiting reply, but itβs possible I was deleted entirely.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β The other one replies...
βYes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
π︎ 107
π
︎ May 30 2020
Two friends are having a conversation. "My wife has just gone on vacation in the Carribbean" say's one. "Jamaica?" replies the other.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
A woman checks out of target with two apples, a banana, and a quart of ice cream. The cashier asks, βAre you single?β The woman replies, βYes, how could you tell?β
βBecause youβre ugly.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what's with the steering wheel? He replies...
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
π︎ 461
π
︎ Dec 09 2019
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 433
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
My reply turned into a pun.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 01 2020
These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says "Who is that?!" and the other replies...
"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"
π︎ 72
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 20 2020
A man walks into a doctors office. βWhat seems to be the problem?β Asks the doc. βItβs... um... well... i have five penises.β Replies the man. βBlimey!β Says the doctor, βhow do your trousers fit?β βLike a glove.β
π︎ 271
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 07 2018
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, βI have an appointment at 1:30.β She replies, βWhich doctor?β...
The man says βno thanks, just a regular doctor pleaseβ
π︎ 179
π
︎ Sep 03 2019
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, βIt looks like rain.β His wife says, βYou donβt know that.β To which he replies,
βRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.β
π︎ 94
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
6 months and still no reply. Theyβre afraid of the truth
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 09 2019
A sheep dog tells a farmer, "I've gathered up 40 sheep". The farmer replies, "But we only have 37 sheep?" The dog responds..
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
When the clerk says "sorry about your wait", I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
π︎ 403
π
︎ Feb 20 2019
A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says βregular pleaseβ and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks βfill?β my dad replies
βNo, Fred, nice to meet youβ
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
A student visits the principalβs office one day and the principal says to him, βWhatβs your name, son?β He replies, βD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.β The principal looks up and asks him, βOh, do you have a stutter?β
The student replies, βNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.β
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jun 15 2019
My mom teased my dad, he didn't get a sandwhich after his reply.
My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.
Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot .
Mom: which one?
Dad: Me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 23 2017
When people tell me about their favorite band or song artist and say "have you heard of this [song artist] before?" I reply:
"Ofc i heard about this musician, you just told me about them"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
.. just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 25 2017
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, βI heard a good joke today.β Second dog replies, βGo on then.β First dog continues, βKnock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
π︎ 35
π
︎ Sep 17 2019
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
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