Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 176
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
π︎ 110
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"
Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
π︎ 62
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︎ Aug 13 2020
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 29 2020
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 431
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 20 2020
A man walks into a doctors office. βWhat seems to be the problem?β Asks the doc. βItβs... um... well... i have five penises.β Replies the man. βBlimey!β Says the doctor, βhow do your trousers fit?β βLike a glove.β
π︎ 269
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, βI have an appointment at 1:30.β She replies, βWhich doctor?β...
The man says βno thanks, just a regular doctor pleaseβ
π︎ 177
π
︎ Sep 03 2019
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, βIt looks like rain.β His wife says, βYou donβt know that.β To which he replies,
βRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.β
π︎ 88
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says βregular pleaseβ and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks βfill?β my dad replies
βNo, Fred, nice to meet youβ
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
A student visits the principalβs office one day and the principal says to him, βWhatβs your name, son?β He replies, βD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.β The principal looks up and asks him, βOh, do you have a stutter?β
The student replies, βNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.β
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jun 15 2019
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 23 2015
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
π︎ 655
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︎ Jul 27 2017
I just posted a msg to Reddit about the lack of original frontpage content. This was the subject line of their reply.
π︎ 28
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︎ Feb 04 2019
This CEO replies to enquiry entirely in fish puns (x-post r/funny)
π︎ 88
π
︎ Nov 03 2016
A man is having pains so he goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor does some tests and comes back telling the man that he has a bacterial growth in his bladder causing pain. The man asks what's they means for him. The doctor replies...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 15 2019
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 04 2019
Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:
"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 14 2018
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: βOccupation?β The German replies:
βNo, just a holiday.β
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 19 2018
What's a good reply to "I did nazi that coming from jew"?
Quirky answers appreciated.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 01 2016
My 15 y.o. left a message. I had to reply.
Woke up to a message, on our family chalkboard, left by my 15 y.o. daughter.
"Mornings are no fun when you have to get up at six or earlier."
I replyed:
"That's why they call it mourning."
I can already hear her eyes rolling.
π︎ 392
π
︎ Sep 11 2015
Mom: [Dad], you're mean. To which he replies...
I'm not mean, I'm well above average.
π︎ 383
π
︎ Aug 22 2013
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 13 2016
At the dinner table, mom notices dad is eating everything on his plate, except for the chicken she cooked, so she asked "Is something wrong with your chicken?" To which the dad replies....
"Nothing wrong at all, I'm saving the breast for last!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 20 2018
True story: my dad is on a cruise and sent me a picture of him next to Ernest Hemingway's son. my reply...
Looks like two old men in the sea
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 25 2018
Demi Lovato replies with a dadjoke to this question: "What is your favourite dish?"
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 14 2015
My dad replies to a request for ice cream
Mom: "Honey, can you bring me some ice cream?"
Dad: "Haagen Daz what Haagen says."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 17 2016
First person to reply will make this a dad joke
π︎ 10
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︎ Jul 15 2016
I am pretty pumped to watched Citizenfour on HBO Monday, girlfriend replies: Does this count?!
"Let's watch Snowden when we're snowed in!"
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 20 2015
My dad's reply to my sister for this one: "I'm so proud."
Completely out of nowhere, my 28 year old sister announces "If it's just one corndog, it's a Unicorndog."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 16 2016
My dad's reply to some pictures I sent him of the snow today.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 24 2016
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender βIβll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank youβ. βSure thingβ the bartender replies and asks βbut whatβs with the big pause?
β
The panda holds up his hands and says βI was born with themβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
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