A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
π︎ 971
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
What did the monk say who saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?
I can't believe it's not Buddha.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
What's the difference between a bath tub and an alligator?
(Dad waits for the common response: "I don't know, what?")
Then I'd advice you to never take a bath.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
On my death bed Iβl request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say βmay he rest in peesβ
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Scientists recently performed an experiment to figure out the gender of an ant. They would place them in a tub of water.
If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
What does a Rastafarian use to keep his beer cool in the hot tub?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
What do you call the German man that fell into a tub of disinfectant?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
My two year old in the tub
Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."
He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I dared to ask my wife why she is ordering a giant tub of Whiteout from Amazon.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
Someone hit my leg with a tub of lard.
Honestly, I'm just glad it wasnt a butternut squash.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
I found my son sleeping in a tub of peas.
βMay he rest in peas,β i said.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
A guy walked into my shop.
"I'm looking for quite a big tub of hand gel," he said.
"Here's one," I showed him, "this is 250ml."
He said, "Wow, that's far too expensive."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
Bananas
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
Harriet TUB-man
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 15 2020
Two dudes chilling in a hot tub 5 feet apart cause they're
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 02 2020
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said βi cant believe its not Buddhaβ
π︎ 248
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
Today at work, I took a dish collector tub into the walk-in with me. I realized, most restaurants fridges can't even fit a car.
Yet, I just fit a bus in here.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tub of glue?
You can tune a piano but you can't tunafish. as for the tub of glue, i knew you would get stuck on that one
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Call a plumber. The tub is all pugged up.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
Whatβs the difference between a piano, tuna, and a tub of glue?
You can tuna piano, but you canβt piano a tuna!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wifeβs hair care products.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 02 2020
What did the man say to the kid who left a tub of Fluorine on his yard
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 23 2019
Today I walked in on my wife taking a bath in a tub full of mouthwash
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 01 2018
6 Dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy
π︎ 232
π
︎ Nov 14 2017
What did the bee in the hot tub say?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
What is the most judgmental hot tub?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
Did you hear about the man who was murdered in the tub?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jan 30 2018
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isnβt talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
Top ten reasons you shouldn't use your computer in the tub
π︎ 39
π
︎ Sep 13 2017
Two bears are sitting in a tub.
The polar bear dissolves.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 03 2018
Jacuzzis and Hot Tubs...
are like two pees in a pond
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 25 2018
I was in my backyard in the hot tub last night enjoying the views of the incoming lightning storm not thinking of the danger.
And then it struck me....
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 06 2018
What did the Italian say to the Frenchman that farted in the hot tub?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 15 2018
What do you call a hot tub full of chicken prostitutes?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 02 2018
If you hurl allegations from the hot tub...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 24 2014
Two monkeys in a bath tub
The first monkey says "ooh ooh aah aah"
The second replies "put some cold in then"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 31 2016
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I canβt believe itβs not better.
π︎ 88
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week
And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
What did the Tibetan Monk say when he saw Jesus in a tub of margarine?
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
What did the monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a margarine tub?
I can't believe it's not Buddah.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
I dared to ask my wife why sheβs buying a giant tub of Whiteout.
π︎ 266
π
︎ Feb 27 2019
What did the monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in his margarine tub?
I can't believe it's not buddha
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
I dared to ask my wife why sheβs buying a giant tub of Whiteout.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
Whatβs the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tub of glue
You can tuna piano but you canβt piano a tuna
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 17 2018
I regret asking my wife why sheβs buying a giant tub of whiteout from the store.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 05 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
