Total pun-upper
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
They're knot for eating.
Insurance : Yes. What did you hit?
Me : A fish....
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little shit bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
Yes, but then it would be called an Edison.
(Credit to u/clintj1975 who posted this in a totally unrelated sub)
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the planes
In the casket - They put his left leg in and his right leg came out…
It's like I never knew herbivore.
Even her blood type is B negative
“Because she has no taste.”
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
I pulled up to the window and the clerk said 7 11
I had to say : "I though this was Dunkin donuts"
He’s a really aggressive janitor.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
Biologist : Hey wanna hear a joke? Friend : sure, go ahead Biologist : bone of the upper arm Friend : wow, that's humerus
(I'm not even a dad and idk if this counts as a dad joke but anyways thought of this while studying biology so had to post it)
..for spilling the beans.
Doctors said his condition is worry sum.
Then I realized, it was on paws.
I only have a croc-pot.
(Interestingly told to me by my mom, but it’s a total dad joke lol)
It was a total snooze-fest
Because their horns don't work
TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.
I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.
Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.
Suggestions?
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
But all we had was a crock pot.
I am at a complete loss forwards.
...the only thing you can do with a Ph.D. in Egyptology is become a professor and teach other people who are trying to earn Ph.D.s in Egyptology, making it a total pyramid scheme.
The waiter exclaims, "This is totally unacceptable!"
The zookeeper responds, "But why?"
The waiter breathes a deep sigh and says, "Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room..."
It’s out with the new, in with the OLED
Pundle is daily fun with a pun on your phone/tablet/computer. I’ve written hundreds of puns and dad jokes for the game, and you’ll be able to solve one puzzle per day. We’re getting rave reviews on Twitter, and about 1,500 players a day since its launch just last week! Also it’s completely totally free. Check it out!
That that’s totally the wrong sub.
"Plagiarism"
Side note: my son was assigned in class to make up a new word, definition, etc. He turned in "Plagiarism", teacher gave him a smile and full credit.
Also, this joke is totally original and not stolen without attribution.
It was a total letdown.
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit ➡I totally nailed it!
They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.
The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.
"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.
They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel
... keep reading on reddit ➡According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".
My friend is always talking about this one brand of sake and seems to really love it. I can’t seem to find it at any grocery store or Total Wine, and can’t track it down online. I really want to try it because my friend mentions it so much.
Anyway, does anyone know where I can find Pete’s Sake?
