I’m expecting a long sentence
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
NV.
H2O
Spokesmen.
I'm a bran ambassador.
English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading. History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else. And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.
Because they offer koalaity service.
Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.
I love her so much
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
The element will be represented by the letters AH. This is of course the element of surprise.
It would be called El Avocado Abogado.
His name was Josh Buttlicker. Everyone used to make fun of him. On his 10th birthday his dad asked him what he wanted as a gift.
He said “I am so sick of everyone making fun of my name and I really want you to change it officially”.
Dad said “No way! This is our family name, which represents our lineage, and I will never do it.”
He tried asking again on his 11, 12th up to his 17th birthday. But his dad denied his wish every time.
Finally on his 18th birthday, he told his dad “You cannot do anything now. I am of legal age and it is my decision!!” He rushed to the court with a lawyer, and completed all the paperwork to change his name legally.
Then he came home, and his dad asked “well, what is it?”
He said “Dave Buttlicker”.
he finally decided to take his career seriously and stopped monkeying around.
A dis-count.
Sign Language
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Me: I want a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, your three wishes are over
Me: I still have two left!
Genie: Sue me
Everyone else thought his opinions were irrelephant.
Last night my wife and I were getting some of our things together in preparation for a vacation this weekend.
Wife: there's just too much to pack
Me: Yeah, it's not a Biggie
Wife:... shakes head sadly
The Wizard of Lb
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.
I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.
The wife and I were discussing how well our son was doing with learning his vowels.
Me: I've heard him say A, E, and I, now he just needs to get O and U.
Wife: He's also saying Y, have you heard him say that yet?
Me: Sometimes.
My dad just placed a brown paper bag on his head and asked the room, "What city am I representing?"
After several moments of confused looks, he responded with, "Baghdad!"
I've never been more proud of him. So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.
So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.
"Those are my food puns."
I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.
"And these are my cheese puns."
My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.
"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"
"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."
Once there was this farmer and he had this dream of having a duck. Then one day he saw this duck and started to chase it. He chased it all throughout the farmland. He chased it through a forest. He chased it past a river. All his life, he spent chasing this duck but he never caught it. He died all alone, old and hungry and without the duck. See, the duck represents your dreams, and the other opportunities, they represent other opportunities. So the moral of the story? Don't go chasing water fowls.
Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.
This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.
As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.
We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in).
Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely.
He turns to me and very seriously says, "You know, this story has a lot of holes in it."
Cue groan and begrudging chuckle. I think I picked a keeper.
Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.
Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.
Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.
He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.
A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.
As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti
... keep reading on reddit ➡Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.
It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.
The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.
On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".
