A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint, the thief says, "Give me all your money and I'll let you live!"
The Canadian replied gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
Why wouldn’t the bank allow me any money today?
Because I was already a-loan.
What's the quickest way to double your money?
Hold it in front of a mirror.
Did you hear about the geometry teacher that gives money to small business?
They’re an angle investor.
I was mugged at gunpoint and the thug said “your money or your life!”
I told him I was married which led to me having no money or a life. He hugged me and invited me to play basketball at The Y next week.
What do you call the amount of money you have allocated for a soft chewy sweet made from milk?
I invested all my money in a bakery company, and the shares are on the up...
Now to sit back and watch my dough rise
What money service does the Pope use?
What is the motto of paper money?
I attempted to make the new cell phone, made by the host of "Dirty Jobs", work for me by recording videos on it to make money to pay for it's carrier bill.
I guess you could say I tried to turn tables on the Mike Rowe phone.
What was a person in the 18th century called when they didn't have any money?
Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...
"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"
Jesus didn’t have any money on him, so how did he pay for a room at the Inn?
He put 3 nails down at reception and said “Can you put me up for the night?”
Why did the Dalai Lama lose all of his money?
They say money is the root of all evil…
Why was money moving in the ocean?
Because of the current-sea
Giselle may get a lot of money out of the divorce
But she'll never get her quarter-back!
What position in the NFL gives you money to play it?
I lost all my money at the auction.
I couldn't stop my more-bid curiosity.
When I was very young, my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special box under the stairs.
I was 15 before I found out, it was the bloody electric meter.
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
How many M's do you need to get money from the bank?
The temple money changers always had the upper hand until...
The temple money changers always had the upper hand until...
>!Jesus turned the tables!!<
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Puzzled, the teller asks, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why don't you have as much money as you make at the end of the month?
This guy named Bill keeps taking it from you.
My coworker told me that one i can't take credit for it
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
The disciples finding tax money in a fish…
The disciples finding tax money in a fish…
>!was the original trust fund!!<
An armed man walks into a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands him the money and says “I’ve got to ask what’s with the CDs?”
The man replies “They’re my disk eyes!”
My coworker won some money in the Powerball, so he decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of learning to play the drums.
He bought a bunch of pricey kits and played them at all hours. His neighbors got so mad, they ended up suing him in civil court, and he lost all his money, so he has to sell all the drums now.
He's got a lottery percussions to deal with.
My dad said that once you make the money, you can make the household rules
So I became a baker and said “Who makes the dough now”
I stopped donating money to the grapes of fury
They are a charity organization that claimed they tackle social issues that are "low hanging fruits".
Turns out they were just raisin awareness.
I’m tired of my paper money getting moldy after being left in the wash.
So I’m switching to non-fungible tokens.
How did the water company make money?
By staying solvent and having revenue streams
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
My dad made a lot of money off of his famous song about the number four. When he passed away, he left its rights to me.
I am the heir to his four tune.
when my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...
He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.
I found out a way to make money in the summertime. When you go to bed, you turn off all electronics except for one......
The International Space Station is going to be an Airbnb to make extra money.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
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