A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
Why did the spider just mind it's own business making a web?
To make sure I wasn't being bugged
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
Did you hear about the cheese that lost it’s mind?
It was placed in Emmental ward to recover
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
The first woman who gave brain had an open mind.
Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most ?
What was the last thing the crossed Goliath’s mind before he died
What’s the last thing through a bugs mind when he hits your cars windshield?
I did have some jokes about the Middle East in mind...
People don’t mind long lines at the hospital
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?
This was just fed to us, and our minds the key ingredients.
I've lost my mind due to the virus panic, but who knows ...
maybe it's just in my head.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Sorry but this has been at the back of my mind for 2 days
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind
It takes quite a while though.
Cop: do you mind identifying the body? I must warn you it ispretty hacked up!
Me [tearing up]: yes, that’s my brother Reese.
Cop: are you sure?
Me: yes I’m sure, those are Reese’s pieces.
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
Restaurant called the Dog Haus - a Place I wouldn’t mind spending the night if the gf was mad.
Have you heard the rumour about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a ‘Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
When the suicide bomber discovered that he can detonate bombs with his phone, his mind was blown...
My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub all day today....
She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table!
What is the Mind Flayer’s favorite type of cheese?
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'
So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'
Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.
I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind.
I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years.
People with birthdays falling on Christmas shouldn't mind that gifts are combined for the holiday...
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?
What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield?
What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits your windshield?
What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?
What’s the last thing that goes through the mind of a fly before it hits a windshield?
It’s asshole.
Thanks Dad!
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits your windshield?
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