Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
π︎ 359
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
A man threw a block of cheese at me in the supermarket,
π︎ 98
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
π︎ 325
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
The man who invented velcro died today :(
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Man... Every single post here is about the Suez Canal...
People must be stuck in it
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
Did you hear that Iron Man and the Silver Surfer are teaming up?
They're going to be alloys.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
They really mis-named the superhero called "Ant-man"
He should really be called Uncle.
Can't really take credit, my nieces made the joke while watching the movie. Regionally "Aunt" is pronounced as "ant"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Why did the man put his glasses in a can of beans?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Did you hear about the no-armed man who entered the masturbation contest?
Poor guy didnβt come anywhere.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
I heard the Kool Aid man is starting a baseball team.
π︎ 228
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Aww man. Did you hear that Johnson and Johnson messed up the their vaccine?
Well at least they took a stab at it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
Did yβall hear about the man on the bus?
He had his eye on a seat and a woman sat on it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Did you hear about the man who spent his life savings opening a distillery?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
what did the doctor say to the man with the social media addiction?
I am very sorry sir, I am afraid your condition is not tweetable....
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
An old man owned a dolphin and some children asked him why. The old man smiled and said, "When I was younger, my dreams were crushed, so I bought the dolphin because..."
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
A garbage man in Oklahoma was doing the rounds one morning
He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch.
The garbage man called out βHey! Whereβs βya bin?β
The guy replies βIβve been in Floridaβ
The garbage man says βNo, no. I meant whereβs your wheely bin?β
The guys says βIβve really been in jail but I tell everyone Iβve been in Floridaβ.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
The man who invented auto correct has passed away...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Did you hear about the man who was cancelled for pretending to be an emu?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
A man walks into a zoo and the only animal inside is a dog.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
Why did the man cook the fish?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Did you hear about the invisible man who married an invisible woman?
Their kids were nothing to look at either.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.
The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
What did the ophthalmologist say to the man with a nail in his eye
I see what the problem is...Iβm gonna nail this one!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
π︎ 200
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Man at the theatre asks the usher: βwhatβs my seat number?β
Usher responds: β10-Qβ
Man responds: βYouβre welcome. Now whatβs my seat number?β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Why didn't the man want a spring mattress
Because it was still winter
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Did you hear about the man selling bicycle parts?
He went into the market to peddle his wares.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
π︎ 283
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Why was the man at the barbecue so happy?
He met the grill of his dreams
π︎ 26
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
A man had his car stolen by a thief in Mexico. When he went to the police...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
What did the hospital say to the man with 100% of his left side missing?
The doctor says βHeβs alrightβ
The nurse follows βThereβs nothing left!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
why did the business man make a call to Pennsylvania?
they were business a-phili-ates
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
What did the man say during the fight scene in the Lion King?
βPay attention, I think this may be the mane event!β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he canβt see that well!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
Why did the man fall into a well?
Cause he couldn't see that well!
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Did you see the blind man?
No, well he didnβt see you either
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
