True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
What did the dog say to the ceiling?
I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....
I'm feeling like such a good boy.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
The vet cut my dog's tail off and told me...
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
So the cops just came to my door, they said my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them "my dog doesn't even own a bike"
Did youhear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day
My little brother just came up with this: Why was the fully loaded hot dog cold?
Because it was a chili dog.
TIL the average dog barks 14 times a day.
This is just a ruff estimate, though.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
We got a new dog yesterday. He was a rescue and we're so glad to make him a part of our family. 'I think the transition is going well.'
'But your mother thinks it's been ruff.'
The reason dogs make noise but trees don't is complicated...
But long story short, it's because it's a different kind of bark
What do you call a detective dog's party held in the United Arab Emirates?
I found out the local priest adopted a dog.
What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?
What did the dog say to the dogwood tree?
Nice bark!
From my 7yo this morning.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I can't take my dog to the lake anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What did the cattle-dog say to the nagging sheep?
What the medical term for owning to many dogs?
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and timex?
Because they were watch dogs.
I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him.
I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
The hot dog vendor is subpar
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”
Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”
Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”
Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”
She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
People who name their dogs; Bailey, Brandy, Sherry, Jameson, Hooch or other names of the likes..
Are far more likely to have licker problems
I read a book about an immortal dog the other day.
it was impossible to put down.
Before I join a contest, I always make my dog urinate on a photograph of the other contenders.
It gives me a leg up on the competition.
What do you call the noise an Icelandic dog makes?
What's the dog breed that is addicted to internet?
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...
My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Why was the dog sad?
His girlfriend was a bitch!
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
A 3 legged dog walks into the bar.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked “Did you condition her?”
So I said “yeah, I rang a bell and then fed her”
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
"Have you seen the dog bowl?"
Why did the dog bark at the tree?
Because the tree barked first
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the side of the road ...
They charged her with littering!
A man walks into a zoo and the only animal inside is a dog.
Why did the ducks eat the dog?
Because it was pure bread
Just had the police tell my my dog attacked someone on a bike
I said it couldn't have been my dog, he doesn't own a bike
The wife asked me tonight if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said ‘to be honest I didn’t even know he played cricket’.
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