My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
What do you call the bass in dog choir?
What’s the difference between a well dressed man and a tired out dog?
One wears a suit and the other just pants.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"
The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"
What happened when the dog went to the Flea circus?
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog shit
A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time
I just saw a stray dog with the Eiffel Tower stuck in his fur, along with Arc de Triumph and the Louvre...
...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.
A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.
After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine."
I said, "Are you a vet?"
To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."
Went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog.
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.
Doc: lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.
Me: I’m not allowed on the couch.
The other day my daughter asked me why the dog follows her around all the time.
I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.
What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?
A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, while a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs. After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds...
...they will be subma-weiners.
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
What’s the difference between me and the family dog?
The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
Why did the sled dog puppy shop in the Big & Tall store?
I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
I asked the dog the other day "How's life as a dog?"
Proud dad moment - Dad what type of sandpaper does the dog use?
Woof ones
5 year old daughters joke, so proud :)
What do you call the protagonist of a dog mafia movie?
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of shit.
I have the smartest dog in die world.
I asked him the other day what 1 483 692 × 0 was, and he said nothing.
Son: “I’m gonna take the dog for a walk”
Dad: “ok great. Collar. Leash.”
Son: “no dad. Call her sparky!”
So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
My dog got castrated and he suddenly stopped barking at the neighbours's dog.
I think he just doesn't have the balls to do it anymore.
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.
What’s the difference between American dogs and British dogs?
American dogs pants while British dogs trousers
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Why couldn’t the dog tell you what type of dog he was?
Because he had barkthritis
What did the dog say to the tree?
I accidentally hit my dog in the nose today
It was a real boopsie-doodle
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
“Didn't even know he played cricket" I replied
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog
What did one dog say to the other dog
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
