In the darkness...

In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chemist612
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

I think I'll call it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only dad jokes.

What is yellow, sour and fights for the Emperor?

A Lemon Russ!

What body of water has the taint of chaos?

The Hera-sea!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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β€ͺWhy can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark

because it doesn’t have flash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZETA_RETICULI_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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what did the lumberjack do when it got dark?

He took his axe and saw.

Edit: spelling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl_oskar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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What was the dark blue sea lion mistaken for?

A Navy Seal!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Why was the director unhappy with the close-ups in the Dark Knight trilogy?

All he was getting was Bale-ful looks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTattedspyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"

because they lighten me up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenPhoenix14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Simple solution to my fear of the dark

I just close my eyes and pretend it's not there

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vrrrmmmm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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A shot in the dark
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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It would’ve been really dark if, when Snape was dying, Harry had said β€œnow you’re really the half-blood prince”.

Because he only had half his blood left

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wnlm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I've just discovered the Cantonese culture of doing maths in a dark room at breakfast

Apparently they enjoy dim sums in the morning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrubb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark

I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrightHausJon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Why is dark spelled with a K?

Because you can't c in the dark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Everybody talks about the dark side of Reddit

I can't seem to find it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aok76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Why was the cow scared of the dark?

Because he was a coward.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AT360306
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.

He’s a total night mayor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Why should you always wear a condom when having sex with a member of the Dark Side?

You could catch Sythilis

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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What's up with the dark jokes subreddit?

I don't see anything funny there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarawa_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Welcome to the Dark Slide
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheepherder226
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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It's cold and dark outside, so I have drawn the curtains.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theMikethe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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A darker one my 10 year old dropped on me... (possibly triggering)

She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.

Hey Dad, you ok?

Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.

"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogalporn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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My daughter wanted to play hide and seek in the dark. I said "That means I would only be able to find you using sound ...

so nah!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conan-doodle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Welcome to the Dark Side
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoungAnimater35
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Why is the dark side of the moon dry?

Because the other side has all the moonshine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardeningnovice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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My Dad told me the other day he hates it when people use dark mode

so i called him a racist

p.s do i need to make this nsfw? i'm not sure so pls don't remove

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tHeSeTiReSmAn
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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If you look into the dark side

The dark side looks black.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OtsuKotsu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Where was Moses when the lights went out?

In the dark.

My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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When the dark knight leaves jail...

Is he out on Bale?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinfeces
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Sex in the dark is overrated.

I want to see what I'm getting into.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raddaya
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Little Johnny joke

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says β€œthis is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says β€œwell maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying β€œI’m a light bulb” and the boss says β€œmaybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks β€œwhere do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies β€œyou expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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I told my friend I'm afraid of the dark.

He told me to sleep on the photon.

We had to pull it out first, but it was really light.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingerd33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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Why was it called the dark ages?

Because of all the knights.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Why is dark written with a K not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Mechatronix
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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They called it the dark ages

Because there was so many knights

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Original-boy2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Why do they call it the dark ages?

Because there’s so many knights!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheEyeGuy13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Why was it called the dark ages?

Because of all the knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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