The Chain Puns

Sauron

It's made of Links

The man says, "Lady, you ever tried to push one of these things out front?!?"

I guess it must be sprocket science

I said, “that would be off the chain.”

He was running a Shell corporation.

Police thought the attacks were linked but later found that they were a bunch of loan wolves.

Because it's fat with a pH

He's calling it McJaguar.

That wood work!

All the chain mail.

Head of the chain of demand.

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

I found a random piece of chain on the dog walk today and, when I got back I found another...I dont think the two are linked!

Hey all! I'm writing a play for my third grade class all about healthy habits and it's full of TV parodies. One show is Game of Thrones. For example, one character is Jon Snowpea. Can you guys help me come up with some food or exercise puns for the full title of Danaerys: Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons”. Thanks!!

The times they are a chain gin.

She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates.  Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.

He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"

She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."

So my sister is writing a research paper for her PhD and it involves titanium dioxides. This is an actual email my Dad sent the family email chain while we were discussing the paper (all names have been changed for privacy):

“"Aunt Jane! Can you use the term titanium dioxides in a sentence so we can better understand its meaning?" asked her curious niece at the Thanksgiving family meal.

"Sure" said Dr Doe, "Mr and Mrs Tanium ran a tannery for years. Their son Ty used to shoot water buffaloes for sport, but his parents convinced him that he should at least save the pelts. So now his parents and Ty Tanium dye ox hides!"

Beat that one!

Dad”

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

No, I'm not a smart shopper.

(I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife. My boy still to young to "affect")

(This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name "smart shopper")

I work at a smaller chain pizza place, and we serve "artisan pizzas". A family comes in and orders pizzas, with the dad ordering the fungi (the name of one of the pizzas). As I drop them at the table, I announce "I have a fungi for a fun guy". The table goes silent, then the dad bursts out laughing while the rest of his family groaned.

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

So we were at a certain popular buffet chain, and when my dad 54-year-old with a long white beard went up to pay, the Spanish cashier asked if he was eligible for the senior discount, for ages 65+.

He strokes his beard and says "Nope, I'm not quite there yet.

I was standing behind him waiting to go eat, and I said "Well maybe you should try talking Spanish? Then you will be a señor!"

She gave us the discount, everybody around us cracked up laughing, applause was had, and the Albert Einstein behind us gave me $100. (Seriously though, they both laughed, she gave us the $0.59 discount, and Dad tells this story every chance he gets.)

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to behold the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minä kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."

So I was working in the soup and sandwich area of the food chain I work for. A man comes up and asks what soups we have today, which is a common occurrence.

Me: We have chicken noodle, cream of broccoli and...that's it.

Him: oh, I'll have that's it.

It took a minute to realized I just got hit with a dad joke and cracked up. When I hand him his food I made sure to tell him "Here is your that's it" we were both grinning ear to ear from it.

He basically made my night do a 180° with that joke. Thanks random dad for making my night!

My 12 year old son was riding with me the other day and noticed a new restaurant had just opened up in a town nearby. It's a chain of Western themed pizza restaurants called "Pizza Ranch." So when my son asked "What's Pizza Ranch?" I obviously had to respond with "Well that's where they raise all the dough."

I heard it was off the chain!

While I was reading Game of Thrones, I stopped and closed the book and said to my girlfriend "That's one way of punishing someone. Chain them up and tie you to a horse. Keep up and you're fine. Don't keep up and you're gonna hurt.

She replies (in her best southern draw)

"And they said there was no dragn in it"

I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.

Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?

EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.

I was shocked!

So true story, I rewired an electric chain hoist at work today, and I followed the Wire diagram as it was laid out. But when I went to try it, I got a nasty shock. Turns out a customer had tried to rewire it themselves and swapped the ground and the live wire in the controller... mean practical joke? I don't know. But it woke me up!

On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10° out.

Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.

I break into a cold sweat.

Everyday since he started working there. Everyday he would drag the chain in clunk clunk clunk and set it down by his desk. At the end of the day he would pick the chain up sling most of it over his shoulder and drag the chain out clunk clunk clunk. At the end of the third day his coworker couldn't take it any more. "I gotta know! Why are you dragging this chain in and out of work everyday since you started working here?" He replied "Well, I'd look like hell trying to push it in here wouldn't I?"

Courtesy of my Father-in-law.

Last night went like this:

Daughter: What are we having for dinner?

Me: Food

Daughter: What kind of food?

Me: Good food

Daughter (getting visibly frustrated): What kind of good food?

Me: Good tasting food

Daughter: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FOOD WE ARE EATING?

Me: Oh, I don't know, I think it's Bob or something

At which point my wife breaks the chain and actually tells what the dish was called, likely saving me from murder by 7 year old.

Amateur punner here! Unfortunately, my friends aren't fans... But I was a bit too chuffed to keep it to myself.

Here's the country pun chain we were commenting on.

My sister works as a social worker dealing with adults with intellectual disabilities. This happened today.

The staff was talking to the clients about food and fast food chains.

Staff: Where is your favorite place to get your fried chicken from?

Client: From my plate.

I work as a front desk associate for a major hotel chain that has a rewards program, but the guest checking in, a Mr. Zingone, didn't have it on his reservation. I tried searching for it several different ways, just the surname "Zingone," just his phone number, but ultimately could not find his account information.

So I told him, "Well, you may have had a membership, but it looks like it's... Zin-gone..."

He told me no more humor, just get me to my room. I think he was just as impressed, however.

We had corn on the cob for dinner tonight. My mom: "The corn was off the chain tonight!" Me: "No, the corn is off the cob."

Which went largely ignored as i chuckled to myself about it.

Dad: I dunno, I'm kinda tired

Bro: Yeah, I don't think I could handle that right now

Dad: I think we've already spoken about this

Bro: Give me a brake, dad

Dad: What, you can't keep the chain of puns going?

Bro: I can kick it into a higher gear

Dad: I might have to reflect on your puns for a minute

Bro: As long as you don't tread over any of my good ones

Dad: Wheel see how long you can keep this up

Me: Hey, I like...bikes

Dad: ಠ_ಠ

Bro: ಠ_ಠ

Mom: ◔_◔

I am trying to cut down a small tree that has grown through the fence at multiple points where it has engulfed a good portion of the fence. I asked my girlfriend to ask her parents if they have a chain saw to help with the job.

Girlfriend: "They don't have a chain saw, but they have a hedge trimmer."

Me: "Hedge trimmer is not strong enough. That's just not going to CUT it.

My dad shipped up a bike to my dorm and I got everything put together except the handle bar (there was a missing piece) and I texted him to tell him the situation. Here's how the conversation went.

Me: I think I got most of it... but I feel like I'm missing something cause I can't attach the handlebar.

Dad: Sounds like you just need to get a handle over the situation

Me: Oh dear... -.-

Dad: Haha I'm just... yanking your chain.

At last thanksgiving, almost all my relatives were together, and so we ended up turning the conversation to our other relatives. Eventually I found out that my aunt had been a chain smoker, so I replied "Well, looks like she quit just in the nicotine!"

A huge collective groan was heard from the whole table, but my Dad and Granddad smiled, nodded, and high fived me in approval.

Just as a bit of background I work in the produce department stacking vegetables and such at a chain grocery store.

Today I was fixing up a display and dropped a squash onto the ground. Before I could bend over to get it a customer walked by and grabbed it and put it in her bag. I told her that she could have a different one if she wanted because it may have been damaged. But instead she walked away and turned to said "This one is already squashed so I guess it doesn't matter" and then laughed at her joke while continuing on, leaving me standing there, squash in hand wondering what just happened.

He'd take out his keys and show us the key chain.

See this here? It's for when I want to play a little tennis

Then it would be repeated to anyone nearby.