The Accord Puns

Oops... sorry, wrong thread !

It’s a mail dominated industry.

Cyan-aura.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

It’s considered to be a personal fowl.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

It’s the first Indie movie.

Dad: That’s sound advice.

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I forgot to brush my teeth...

I should have taken it with a grain of salt

Tennessee

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.

They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.

The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.

"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.

I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. ‘My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, ‘Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop

...according to the dictionary.

Hebrews.

Me being send to the hardware store for $5 worth of tape and returning with $100 worth of tools (Not taking the tape, of course...)

According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.

He has Pope eyes.

Stanley Rubric!

« What is the best death according to you ?

• I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.

• Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?

• Like my grandfather’s friends.

-Why ? How did they die ?

-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. »

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

Honda, because the disciples were all ‘in one accord.’

I don't know if it's been done before but it's my favorite.

Which came first the chicken or the egg...

[Regardless of answer]

Not according to the rooster.

Our neighbor pulled out of his driveway in a Honda. I said "Looks like he left on his own Accord." My wife then walked out of the room

- Dan Regan

@Social_Mime

The Bible says they were of one Accord.

But in the end, we struck an Accord.

If you go to New York and punch the Empire State Building, then according to Newton's third law of dynamics...

The Empire strikes back

According to my wife, throwing the toddler across the room was not the way to go.

My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.

Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."

Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"

Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."

My wifes gone to the Caribbean. Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

This sub is off-limits to you according to your own sub.

So the joke's on you.

Cyan-aura.

Cyan-aura.

My dad: WHO?