Just had the police tell my my dog attacked someone on a bike
I said it couldn't have been my dog, he doesn't own a bike
π︎ 20
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︎ Mar 19 2021
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.
He says, βuno, dos..β and then POOF he disappeared without a tresβ¦
π︎ 673
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︎ Nov 18 2020
What did one video call tell to another on the beach?
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Why should you never tell jokes on an airplane?
Because they'll just go over everyone's head
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
π︎ 293
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Jokes about bipedalism are the best jokes to tell on stage.
They form the basis of standup comedy.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 03 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 25 2020
After turning on my computer in the morning, the first thing I tell myself is βI got this!β
I should stop using WebMD as my homepage.
π︎ 29
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︎ Sep 29 2020
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I canβt tell if heβs drawing snakes, mountains, teepeeβs, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 26 2020
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, βyour not even listening to me.β
I thought thatβs a very weird way to start a conversation.
π︎ 17
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︎ Aug 29 2020
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 01 2020
My wife tells me Iβve spent too much money on mirrors.
I guess itβs time for some self-reflection.
π︎ 17
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︎ Aug 22 2020
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 02 2019
Did I ever tell you about the time an elephant sat on me?
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 16 2020
A pair of underwear walked into the bar, ordered a drink, and began to tell the bartender a story. He went on and on and on.
The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 24 2019
Tell me ONE thing wrong with heavy tourism in Hawaii. Go on.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 26 2020
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 05 2020
If you're having trouble connecting your bluetooth device, just dress in green, sit on a perch and repeat everything that tech support tells you.
It's the only way to parrot.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 18 2020
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when itβs 6:30
But I got that one hands down.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 26 2020
(fairly certain this is original) I'm out to eat with my girl and the server tells us to scan the barcode on the table to see the menu.
After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.
I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 05 2020
Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.
π︎ 158
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︎ Jul 11 2019
Jake, Alex, and Matt are preparing for a wedding. Jake tells Alex, βI tried on a new suit today.β Alex responds, βHas Matt?β
Jake says, βNo, just a regular suit.β
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 05 2020
Working on a crossword puzzle. Can anyone tell me the first initial and last name of the lead actor from Cast Away?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
Why do people tell sad stories on treadmills?
To make them more moving.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 26 2020
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, "That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
π︎ 188
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Some people tell me my shoes are on the wrong feet...
But these are the only feet I have!
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 17 2020
π︎ 15
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︎ May 05 2019
Did I ever tell you about the shady vendor who sold me an overpriced, moldy donut on my trip to see the Pyramids?
Egypt me, but I was starving so I ate it anyway. Now I falafel.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 28 2019
You can tell the sex of ants by gently placing them on water. If they sink they are female, if not they're buoyant.
π︎ 35
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︎ Oct 05 2019
What is the best kind of joke to tell on a cruise ship?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 17 2019
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 12 2019
I tried to tell a joke on the toilet...
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 29 2019
Why can't you tell secrets on a farm?
Because the corn has ears and the potatoes have eyes.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Iβd tell you the one about a postcard without a stamp on it...
But youβd never get it.
π︎ 56
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︎ Jul 29 2019
A guide on how to tell dad jokes:
Step 1: walk up to dad
Step 2: tell dad a joke
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 15 2019
How can you tell the camera on the shelf was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shudder (shutter).
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 10 2019
My pops always said he would go to his grave with his famous BBQ chicken recipe. On his death bead, he had me lean in to tell me the secret ingredient.
Thatβs when I knew it was Thyme.
π︎ 10
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︎ May 01 2019
Tell me if it doesnβt land on yβall
π︎ 5
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︎ May 23 2019
You can tell Iβm a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
π︎ 66
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︎ May 15 2019
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 06 2018
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 18 2018
I hate when people knock on my door and tell me I need to get "saved" or else I will "burn."
π︎ 383
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︎ Aug 09 2019
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get βsavedβ or you'll βburnβ
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get βsavedβ or you'll βburnβ
Stupid Firemen
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says βUno, dos,β *poof*
...he disappeared without a tres
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 09 2019
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get βsavedβ or you'll βburnβ
π︎ 24
π
︎ May 24 2019
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