Swollen Puns

The bill was outrageous!

They’re GRRRRRAPES!

Her: My ankle looks like a sausage! It should be in a German restaurant!

Me: That's just the wurst!

It had a swollen semicolon

Otherwise known as, swollen colon.

This is an homage to my buddy Allen who is a master at puns in general and of puns of the antanaclasis variety in particular.

Allen likes to write fan fiction for Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita". In Allen's version, the young girl tries to seduce an older man with hacky knock knock jokes. One example: "Hey big boy, I want to whisper something in your ear... Did you know Knock-Knock Jokes may result in swollen knuckles?"

The copyright holders have requested he take the jokes out. They said to knock off knock-off knuckle knock-knocks in Nabokov knock-offs.

My soccer inflicted ingrown toenail has been giving me serious grief, exasperated by an infection. Swollen, purple and painful, my wife told me I needed to buy an expensive set of nail scissors and clippers to trimming down the offending nail.

I replied with "For toepiary?"

I think i must have failed in the telling of my 'dadjoke'. She did NOT roll her eyes but actually laughed!

I guess the journey is long in this game.

I was shopping with one of my friends who had just gotten knee surgery the day before and her entire leg was swollen from the operation. We met up with my girlfriend and she asked my friend how her leg was.

I beat my friend to answering and replied "just swell".

Judging by the reaction I guess it was too soon but I did get a laugh from a woman working at the store!

So last night I was with my brother, and he had a slightly swollen eye which he showed me. It looked a bit red, so I asked him, “Do you need to go to the doctor?”

He replied, “Nah, it’s fine. It’ll probably get better anyway.”

To that I said, “Well, I sure hope it does. Keep an eye out for it!”

What the hell. I’m not even a dad. I’m 16 years old.

So I have an infected lymph node. It's a little swollen. My partner was showing My 4 1/2 year old...

Partner: can you see the lump on daddies face? Miss4.5: that's not a lump that's his nose!

Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.

Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.

My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."