New medication created. Reduces swelling but makes you swear.

Ibuprofane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toilet_King_101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...

...it does more than meats the eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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My doctor said I should be icing my broken finger to help the swelling go down... Am I doing it right?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystimel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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What do you call it when a star has problems with itching, swelling, bleeding, or burning "down there?"

Asteroids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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A lobster and a shrimp opened a highly expensive pufferfish shop.

I guess selfish shellfish sell swell fish.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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That's not very swell
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carpetdude
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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What washes up on the shores of small beaches?

Microwaves

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sometimesmyself
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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A brain aneurysm would be swell.

And brain aneurysm is a ruptured blood vessel. It sweeps up and bursts. So, it would be swell, as in a swelling. And it would be swell as in terrific & welcomed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lapret
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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My tongue swelled up after eating dehydrated patella

The doctor said it was a knee jerk reaction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I've been working on not mansplaining and instead saying something positive. How has been going?

It's swell, actually...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My wife and I were in the hospital with my 2 year old daughter who had a allergic reaction to a tomato...

Her face went red and her cheeks swelled up making her look just like a tomato.

After the nurse and my wife finished talking about her reaction, I just couldn’t help but blurt our β€œwell, you are what you eat”

My wife eye rolled, the nurse just looked at me with a deadpan face and said β€œwell done” and walked off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drahcir1
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one

Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?"

Him: "Eat, lol. You?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KommandantVideo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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I really like jokes about the ocean.

They get my seal of approval.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cringelord123456
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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How do you feel about arthritis

I have heard pretty swell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BAD_Productions
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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Why don't you ever see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?

Because their really good at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fudog1138
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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Ask me how my hemorrhoids are!

They’re swell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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Had some dental work done today. Dentist gave me the anesthetic and asked how my mouth felt.

"Just swell!"

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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What do you say to a girl with a broken nose?

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"

Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".

Unamused 18 year old daughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingstar625
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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If I could describe my time sailing...

It would be swell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbneumann13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I launched a seafaring business today.

I hope it stays afloat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicious_viridian
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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Bees

Did you hear about the guy who got sting by bees all over his body?

Don't, worry, he's actually feeling pretty swell

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My sister's pet rat died of cancer and my dad tried to cheer her up

Dad: Don't be sad, he lived a pretty swell life didn't he?

Sister: (in tears) shutup dad you're not funny

Dad: You just don't have a sense of tumor do you?

Took a while before my sister calmed down after that, while my dad laughed his ass off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grasisgroen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say to the patient who fell and broke their ankle?

Well gee, you should be feeling swell in a couple days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archaetorrhi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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How was the hurricane's day at the beach?

Swell thanks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/F-Stop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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At the ocean the other day a huge wave caught me by surprise

All I could think was oh, swell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obi1DidntHave2Die
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
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Hurrah! For my 50th birthday...

... I got a really swell prostate

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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My wife brought it on herself...

We flipped on the TV the other night and happened to come across a documentary on the mating ritual of the grouse. As the males danced on the lek, majestically splaying their feathers and swelling their neck sacs, my wife looked at me and said:

My wife: "Are you as turned on as I am?"

Me: "Absolutely. You could consider me highly agroused."

Oh, how I bathed in the cringe-worthy look on her face. Huzzah!

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πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
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Knee Surgery

I was shopping with one of my friends who had just gotten knee surgery the day before and her entire leg was swollen from the operation. We met up with my girlfriend and she asked my friend how her leg was.

I beat my friend to answering and replied "just swell".

Judging by the reaction I guess it was too soon but I did get a laugh from a woman working at the store!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/21syn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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Early morning dadjoke

I have a stye on my eye, so when I was walking down the stairs this morning, I had a hot washcloth on my eye to keep the swelling down. My step dad was getting ready for work, and he was looking at me.

Me: "Stye"

Him: "No I think it's a washcloth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floodimoo123
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Pregnancy

I ask my sister how her pregnancy is going. My dad interrupts, "Swell!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluesie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
🚨︎ report
What did one wave say to the other wave?

You're swell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicmanjams
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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Ask me how my hemorrhoids are.

They're swell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
🚨︎ report

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