Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.
He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.
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︎ May 16 2021
People are often surprised at how many risks I take.
My board game closet is stuffed!
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︎ Apr 24 2021
My friend was surprised they're releasing a Nostradamus film.
I asked him, "You didn't see it coming?"
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︎ May 21 2021
I was super surprised when the cashier wouldnβt give me her number.
I couldβve sworn she was checking me out.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone get really surprised when I tell them that I'm also a doctor...
Nobody expects the Spa Niche Ink Physician.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
I was surprised at first that the national dish of Tanzania was pasta
, but I'm not one to question it, and I can't deny it was great Serenghetti.
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I just finished painting a customerβs home and they were surprised with the bill...
Them: βYouβve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?β
Me: βItβs on the houseβ
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︎ Mar 09 2021
My wife asked me, βAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?β
I said, βActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.β
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︎ Jul 14 2020
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I was surprised to see The Dude at the Inauguration
But then I realized he was a Biden.
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My wife surprised me with a car...
It's a good thing she missed me.
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I was surprised that the only gift I got for my birthday was a bucket of Play-Doh.
I donβt know what to make of it.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
I am so incredibly surprised by how easy it is to buy my shirts online...
I swear I nearly shipped my pants.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Jokingly said it was a poopy diaper, wife was surprised and asked βReally?!?!β
I said no, Iβm just making shit up.
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︎ Dec 23 2020
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Every year I'm surprised at how cheap candy canes are...
You'd think they'd be more expensive - they're in mint condition!
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︎ Oct 11 2020
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
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︎ Jun 02 2020
I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic...
Without all those tourists helping hold it up.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My wife was surprised she didn't see any "5th of November" images yesterday
Apparently with everything going on we had no Fawkes to give
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Anyone else surprised we don't see more toddlers with criminal charges?
Mine's always resisting a rest.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Why was was the unrepentant Roman who consumed his wife neither surprised nor scared when he was thrown into the Colosseum?
He was gladiator already.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Iβm not surprised Silence of the Lambs won Oscars, its an offally good film
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︎ Jul 19 2020
Wouldn't be surprised to learn Elon Musk to leads a mercenary team of tesla employees who bite victims to spread coronavirus
They are called the Flu Flux Fang!
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I'm surprised to find myself working at NASA even though i never graduated high school.
Someone had to clean the toilets and keep the place clean.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
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︎ Oct 02 2020
My boss was surprised that pc screens were delivered before headsets...
Me : "it's because light travels faster than sound"
I'm only 20 please help
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︎ Sep 09 2020
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
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︎ Sep 27 2020
I surprised my wife by filling her car up with gas today.
She seemed pretty tank-full.
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,
After all they are the Master of Puppets.
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︎ Jul 08 2020
A farmer won a competition. When he was told he won, he was so surprised.
They say he was outstanding in his own field.
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︎ May 31 2020
Colour me surprised.
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︎ May 05 2020
When Mary had a little lamb, the labor and delivery doctor was surprised...
When Old MacDonald had a farm, the doctor died of shock.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
I surprised a kid in the hospital with cancer on his birthday
Sadly, he already had cancer
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I was surprised about a pair of sunglasses on the road today
I got them for free, but that's way below street value
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︎ Aug 12 2020
I'm surprised people in the Swedish capital are so reluctant to go on lockdown
You'd think they were used to being stuck home
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︎ Apr 23 2020
My roofer surprised me and replaced my roof for free.
He said it was on the house.
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︎ Apr 09 2020
I hit a surprised person in the face
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
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︎ May 22 2020
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
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︎ Mar 29 2020
When watching Hentai Iβm always surprised
to what level of animation weβve cum to
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︎ May 26 2020
My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"
I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"
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︎ Jul 27 2020
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