He was a petty officer.
It's quite eyeronic how that happens.
Then the fire trucks came by and ruined it.
Putin got shot. In pain, he groaned, “Mosc-owwwwwwwwwwww…”
—
“Pluto was demoted to a dwarf planet, I heard.” “Yeah! They did the same thing to Goofy a few days later!”
—
Siri: How may I help you? Me: What the hell does “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” mean? Siri: Sorry, I do not understand. three tries later… Me: SIRI, ARE YOU FUCKING SIRIOUS
When my mum caught me I told her it's not what it 𝙨𝙞𝙢𝙨
They were going to blame it on Lorraine.
It never happened because no matter who they asked, even the guys from CCR, no one had seen her.
That's nun sense!
She mustup a perfectly good snack!
..and as big as the last two put together.
Where in the world is she?
It gave me acne!
but how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Orzo I’m told.
Hebrews
Unfortunately the contractors cut corners.
I'll let you know
“I was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldn’t react.”
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Honey. Nut. Cheerio!!
I don't even have a coconut...
How was I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card?
I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day.
This week, she tried again. It was delicious. I called it The LambShank redemption.
He always was one to make a spectacle of himself.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Noble gases have no reaction.
Me: Did you ever show goats outside the state?
Her: I was supposed to go to Virginia with this lady to show for her but she decided she didn’t want to go and cancelled. I checked out like 23 books from the library to prepare for the drive and had to return them all the next day.
Me: Why did you need all those books? You can’t read and drive
Her: I wouldn’t have been driving
Me: You said you had to chauffeur her
I’m proud of this one but she did not love it as much as I did! Hahaha
..and as big as the last two put together.
Urine trouble!
You'll be incarcerated.
Something smells funny.
After years of hard, honest and back breaking work, I am no longer young
I asked her, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She said, "I'm so mad, I can't even!"
It's coming back now. Thanks for the encouragement.
SPOILER:
This one came whirling in pretty fast.
An old lady customer of mine asks. I reply, "Porsche". She says...."they're supposed to start with gas".
Apparently you're supposed to leave them at the restaurant.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
Oof
He said nothing since I was supposed to get him something on Sunday.
