Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iโm a pretty liberal guy but if Iโm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ May 07 2019
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
๐︎ 69
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︎ May 26 2021
A kid was teaching me to play the card game from Solo, and he said each round you get dealt a new hand.
"Oh, kinda like Luke?"
I was so proud of myself for that one.
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︎ Jun 20 2021
The cops in my town are having a hard time catching the thieves who are stealing futons from stores.
They are probably lying low.
๐︎ 14
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︎ Jun 28 2021
Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jun 18 2021
A doctor moved from LA to Portland.
It was an Oregon transplant.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Mar 30 2021
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
๐︎ 357
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I haven't moved a muscle in over a year. I thought it was nothing to celebrate.
Imagine my surprise when my doctor told me I was getting a trophy.
๐︎ 235
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︎ Jun 24 2021
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
๐︎ 16
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Looking forward to the Fibonacci convention this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Jul 11 2021
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eyes its an eyelash.
Isn't this the definition of eyerony?
๐︎ 211
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︎ Jul 11 2021
Went to a club called Ghost Town the other day but had to leave cos of the smell.
Too much farting on the dancefloor.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Jun 22 2021
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Nov 15 2019
Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
๐︎ 11
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︎ Apr 19 2021
As a child, I was supposed to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog.
๐︎ 10
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︎ May 21 2021
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
๐︎ 449
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︎ May 05 2021
Supposedly the best way to cut a grapefruit is to supreme...
But for me, it completely lacks a peel.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Jun 05 2021
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and itโs a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Jul 09 2021
From my kids... Would you like a guide to falling down the stairs.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9...
๐︎ 6
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︎ Feb 16 2021
A couple of days ago, the government was overthrown by the military. Today, i moved my henhouse far away
When my wife asked me why i did it, i told her we were experiencing a coop detached
๐︎ 14
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︎ Jun 04 2021
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. Sheโs a keeper.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 04 2020
A kid went to open the fridge door.
He wanted a glass of milk, but when he saw the jug he whined in disappointment. โDad, the milkโs curdled!โ
His Dad called back, โWould you like to make some cheese for that whine, son?โ
๐︎ 3
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︎ Jun 17 2021
I just got fired from a job where I made six figures last year.
They said I was the worst employee at the toy factory.
๐︎ 479
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︎ May 19 2021
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
๐︎ 10
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︎ May 30 2021
I was supposed to go to a salt an pepa concert last week
Unfortunately, due to lockdown, they had to push it
๐︎ 7
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︎ Sep 04 2020
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?
๐︎ 65
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︎ Jun 10 2021
Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Apr 20 2021
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
๐︎ 17
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︎ Aug 11 2020
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
I want to talk about my father and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my fatherโs handwriting.'
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 10 2021
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
๐︎ 16
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︎ Jun 04 2021
They've discovered a breed of oxen that is genetically identical from one generation to the next, each one an almost exact copy of the one that came before except for some slight degradation.
๐︎ 93
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︎ Jul 10 2021
The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
๐︎ 52
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︎ Jul 03 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโt stop singing โIโm a Believerโ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
๐︎ 7
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︎ May 21 2021
When I was a kid it was free to use the air hose at the gas station. Now itโs $1
Thatโs inflation for ya
๐︎ 150
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︎ Apr 05 2021
A fella from Alaska moved to San Diego and asked how he'd summerize his car
I told him four wheels, a seat and an engine
๐︎ 3
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
๐︎ 4
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︎ Mar 12 2021
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now, I'm living in a flat.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jul 09 2021
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
๐︎ 3
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Did you hear about Dr. Suess' new book about a Japanese warrior in the town of Whoville?
๐︎ 15
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︎ Jun 27 2021
We have a decent sized backyard and I wanted the kids to experience hide and seek at a new level. I hired a carpenter and puzzle author to set up some walls and let me tell you, what they did...
๐︎ 2
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︎ May 28 2021
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
๐︎ 3
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︎ Jun 28 2021
โDad, did you remember to move the clocks forward last night?โ
โYeah, but they fell off the shelf.โ
๐︎ 27
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︎ Mar 15 2021
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Mar 01 2021
I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 15 2021
As a kid I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
๐︎ 15
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︎ May 02 2021
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