Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What Happens If You Are Sitting on the Toilet at 11:59 and the Clock Strikes Midnight?

Same shit, different day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Why will my dad take his glasses off as soon as the clock strikes midnight this New Year?

So he can say he now has 2020 vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Are you smart? Then tell me. What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to repair the clock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FemaleHypnotist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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A pail o' puns!

1. What is the most important drink in life?

Vitali-tea.

2. What do you call an uptight man with wet tapestry?

A wet blanket with a wet blanket.

3. Describe an uptight man with an erection holding an alcoholic beverage.

A stiff with a stiff with a stiff.

4. What do you call introverted window blinds?

A shutter-in.

5. What do you call an uncooked deer cookie?

Dat doe dough 'dough.

6. What do you call a plant's religion?

Agri-culture.

7. What do you call a football players' phone charger?

A Charger's phone charger.

8. What do you call a clock tower striking twelve?

High noon.

That's all I got.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickDemonic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Dad always told me to take my dumps at 11:59 pm.

So when the clock strikes midnight it’ll be the same shit different day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icy9kills
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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A joke I made in class

My teacher was talking about the first monopolies in the US and he said that some employees went on strike because they were working around the clock. So I muttered under my breath, "How are we supposed to work with this freaking clock in the way!?" I got sent outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightedd333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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If you are sitting on the toilet pooping starting at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight...

It's the same crap, different day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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when the clock strikes midnight, lift up your left leg

so you can start 2019 off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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