Sprinkling Puns

It gives me something to dew.

I was trying to get a rise out of them.

I don’t earn much, but I make dew.

I guess it can really get rubbed the wrong way

Police said he'd topped himself

I like rich food.

Police believe he tried to top himself.

I told her she’s doing grate.

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

A sprinkle system.

It's seasoned leather.

I lived in the gateau.

They SNES.

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.

...I told her the fish should have unlemonted flavor.

So my girlfriends dad goes in an ice cream shop and orders a large vanilla cone.

The employee asks if he would like jimmies

"No! I don't want jimmies, I want my own."

My face to my girlfriend http://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-i-make-a-dirty-joke-out-of-an-innocent-comment-from-my-dad-and-he-glares-at-me-24139.gif

Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere.

She asks, "why are there so many mechanics out here?"

Then I go, "because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first."

my mom didn't get it :[

R.I.P water... You will be mist...

(Man, dad jokes really get me steamed....)

A husband wrote a letter to his wife and it said, "When I die have my body cremated, sprinkle my ashes into Wendy's chili, and eat it so I can tear that ass up one more time."

So I was leaving the local music store on an overcast day, and I passed by an older gentleman outside on the walk to my car. It had started sprinkling pretty hard at this point.

Old man: "Looks like rain" Me: "Feels like it, too!"

Blank stare as I get in my car and drive away

A man is sprinkling a powder all over the streets, when a policeman walks up to him and asks what on earth he is doing. The man replies saying keeping the elephants away of course! It's elephant repellent!

The officer replies, don't be absurd, there are no elephants here. The man replies saying then it must be working!

So my daughter is the slowest person I know when it comes to getting ready for everything (especially getting ready for school). We went out to eat last week and when we were done I picked up the pepper shaker and told her that maybe I should sprinkle some in her shoes in the morning. Confused, she asks "Why?" So I says to her, I says "to put a little pep in yo step" she was not amused :/

Me and a bunch of guys were sitting around playing cards while some other scouts were having ice cream. My dad grabs the sprinkles, walks up to us, and starts throwing small pinches of sprinkles at us. He proceeds to say "You guys better get your raincoats, it's sprinkling"

G'pa: Ice cream tonight for dessert! You want male or female? Me: Wha.... G'pa: Nuts sprinkled on top...or not? Me: I don't want dessert...

Hundreds and Thousands attended the funeral.

His ashes were Sprinkled.

He always complains when they don't know the difference between jimmies and sprinkles. But I can't blame him he did do extensive ice cream research in Sunday School.

He was found dead in the back of his van, covered in chocolate sprinkles.

Apparently he topped himself.

So I woke up my son by shaking his bed and calling it an earthquake. He did not get up. Then I got a cup of water and sprinkled some in him and said its a flood. Still did not get up. Then I blew in his face and called it a hurricane. Finally I threw his blanket off him and called it a tornado. That worked. He got up. Later I was explaining it to my wife and said he was woken up by some disasters. He chimed in. "More like Dad-sasters".

So my dad and I were sitting in our car eating ice cream because it was raining. I told my dad that there were some sprinkles on my ice cream even though didn't order them. He said, "it's raining and there's sprinkles on my car."

I was eating dinner at my gf's house and they had these slices of yellow watermelon. Her dad sprinkled salt on the slices. He later said that the yellow watermelon kind of tastes different than normal watermelon and I said "that's because you put salt on it" and my gf and I laughed really hard for a while.

While myself and my family were watching The Walking Dead, my Dad asked us this question:

Dad: Speaking of dead people, did I ever tell you about my Gary coworker's boyfriend's last wish?

Me: No, what is it?

Dad: He said that he wants to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over his boyfriend's chili.

Me: ...wat?

Dad: Yeah, he wanted one last rip through his asshole towards the end!

Yeah, I laughed. And I'm not ashamed.

First, go out on a frozen lake and cut a BIG hole in the ice. Then, take a few handfuls of peas and sprinkle them evenly around the hole. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, run up behind him and kick him in the icehole.

just to get a rise out of them.