I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning.

It gives me something to dew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My friend asked me why I’ve been sprinkling yeast on people...

I was trying to get a rise out of them.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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In the summer, I earn money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people.

I don’t earn much, but I make dew.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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My burger seasoning has two openings on its lid: one for scooping and one for sprinkling

I guess it can really get rubbed the wrong way

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crocomonster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...

Police said he'd topped himself

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I enjoy eating gold sprinkles with my meals.

I like rich food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RioZX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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An ice cream man was found unconscious in his van today, covered in chocolate sprinkles, hundreds and thousands, raspberry sauce, caramel & nuts.

Police believe he tried to top himself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My wife shredded some cheese to sprinkle on the pasta tonight.

I told her she’s doing grate.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/semarlow
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StormtrooperMJS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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What did the ice cream maker use to water his garden?

A sprinkle system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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My toddler sprinkled pepper all over the couch.

It's seasoned leather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotfoffeemomma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whimsicalfinch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. Kids would jump out and put whipped cream, glacΓ© cherries and chocolate sprinkles on people all the time.

I lived in the gateau.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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What happens if you sprinkle pepper on gamers?

They SNES.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RainMorga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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My Dad’s latest Christmas brunch joke: How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle some P’s around.

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/susannahrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks

The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkazen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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So my wife soaked some fish in lemon juice and sprinkled lemon pepper on them before baking...

...I told her the fish should have unlemonted flavor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkay1911
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
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Thought they were called sprinkles!

So my girlfriends dad goes in an ice cream shop and orders a large vanilla cone.

The employee asks if he would like jimmies

"No! I don't want jimmies, I want my own."

My face to my girlfriend http://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-i-make-a-dirty-joke-out-of-an-innocent-comment-from-my-dad-and-he-glares-at-me-24139.gif

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PizzaMink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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Dadjoked my mom?

Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere.

She asks, "why are there so many mechanics out here?"

Then I go, "because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first."

my mom didn't get it :[

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpeteza
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2014
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R.I.P water....

R.I.P water... You will be mist...

(Man, dad jokes really get me steamed....)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XBunnyLebowski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
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Girlfriend dropped this dadjoke on me

A husband wrote a letter to his wife and it said, "When I die have my body cremated, sprinkle my ashes into Wendy's chili, and eat it so I can tear that ass up one more time."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theyellowdragon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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I was very proud of this one

So I was leaving the local music store on an overcast day, and I passed by an older gentleman outside on the walk to my car. It had started sprinkling pretty hard at this point.

Old man: "Looks like rain" Me: "Feels like it, too!"

Blank stare as I get in my car and drive away

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_Jonez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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How to keep elephants away

A man is sprinkling a powder all over the streets, when a policeman walks up to him and asks what on earth he is doing. The man replies saying keeping the elephants away of course! It's elephant repellent!

The officer replies, don't be absurd, there are no elephants here. The man replies saying then it must be working!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notsoawkward
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2016
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...nothing to sneeze at...

So my daughter is the slowest person I know when it comes to getting ready for everything (especially getting ready for school). We went out to eat last week and when we were done I picked up the pepper shaker and told her that maybe I should sprinkle some in her shoes in the morning. Confused, she asks "Why?" So I says to her, I says "to put a little pep in yo step" she was not amused :/

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samoerai
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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My dad at boy scout camp last year

Me and a bunch of guys were sitting around playing cards while some other scouts were having ice cream. My dad grabs the sprinkles, walks up to us, and starts throwing small pinches of sprinkles at us. He proceeds to say "You guys better get your raincoats, it's sprinkling"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wootiown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
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Grandpa's servin' up ice cream...

G'pa: Ice cream tonight for dessert! You want male or female? Me: Wha.... G'pa: Nuts sprinkled on top...or not? Me: I don't want dessert...

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackSheepBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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The man who invented Fairy Bread died last week.

Hundreds and Thousands attended the funeral.

His ashes were Sprinkled.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan17492
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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My Dads always giving the the Ice Cream scooper a hard time.

He always complains when they don't know the difference between jimmies and sprinkles. But I can't blame him he did do extensive ice cream research in Sunday School.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_dand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Mr Whippy?

He was found dead in the back of his van, covered in chocolate sprinkles.

Apparently he topped himself.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirrawayru
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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Waking up my son

So I woke up my son by shaking his bed and calling it an earthquake. He did not get up. Then I got a cup of water and sprinkled some in him and said its a flood. Still did not get up. Then I blew in his face and called it a hurricane. Finally I threw his blanket off him and called it a tornado. That worked. He got up. Later I was explaining it to my wife and said he was woken up by some disasters. He chimed in. "More like Dad-sasters".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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My dad got me while eating ice cream

So my dad and I were sitting in our car eating ice cream because it was raining. I told my dad that there were some sprinkles on my ice cream even though didn't order them. He said, "it's raining and there's sprinkles on my car."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoXavier
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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Got a dad with a dadjoke

I was eating dinner at my gf's house and they had these slices of yellow watermelon. Her dad sprinkled salt on the slices. He later said that the yellow watermelon kind of tastes different than normal watermelon and I said "that's because you put salt on it" and my gf and I laughed really hard for a while.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdogcum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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My Dad's Gay Coworker

While myself and my family were watching The Walking Dead, my Dad asked us this question:

Dad: Speaking of dead people, did I ever tell you about my Gary coworker's boyfriend's last wish?

Me: No, what is it?

Dad: He said that he wants to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over his boyfriend's chili.

Me: ...wat?

Dad: Yeah, he wanted one last rip through his asshole towards the end!

Yeah, I laughed. And I'm not ashamed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtfdizzy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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How to catch a polar bear.

First, go out on a frozen lake and cut a BIG hole in the ice. Then, take a few handfuls of peas and sprinkle them evenly around the hole. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, run up behind him and kick him in the icehole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoOdYo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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I like to sprinkle yeast on people...

just to get a rise out of them.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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