Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke

My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:

Wife: You have some silly kids in here.

Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.

Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.

It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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What did the two Pharaohs have when they farted simultaneously?

A toot in common!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammykong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2017
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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My son got diagnosed simultaneously with scurvy and rabies.

Or as I like to call it, scabies.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Growing marijuana and raising cattle simultaneously is pretty risky but can be very profitable

It’s a high steaks business model

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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My friend David loves making puns, and they are simultaneously amazing and awful. Now he has a Kickstarter for a Pun-a-Day calendar. reddit.com/r/kickstarter/…
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordPachelbel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
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My friend simultaneously gave up coffee and finally bought a cell phone yesterday

He decided to switch to tea/mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Wife and I simultaneously dad-joked our friend

Our friend had just finished eating and asked, "Do I have anything on my face?"

Wife: "A beard"
Me: "Your glasses"

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tracebusta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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My friend and I simultaneously dad joked my girlfriend.

We were eating at a pizza place and there were several size options and the options for the pizza sizes were 10", 20", and 26". My girlfriend wanting to know how many people a certain pizza size would feed and so she asks, "How big is a 10" pizza?" To which my friend and I in unison answer, "About 10 inches."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armageddon13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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[META] r/puns rule 6 changes

tl;dr explain every single pun you make or else it gets removed.


For the sake of cleaning up a lot of my mod queue, whenever you make a post, explain it. There's been more and more rule 6 reports as of late, so this should help clear up a lot of that. This rule change is to lessen confusion and simultaneously help us clear out the reposters who are too lazy to even read the sidebar before posting. formerly rule 6 was:

Post must be a pun and must be explained in the comments. If your post or image isn't self-explanatory, you must comment on it with enough information for readers to get the joke.

We are now changing it to:

Post must be a pun and must be explained. No exceptions! You must explain your pun somewhere in the text or in the comment section.

###IF YOU DO NOT EXPLAIN YOUR PUN, IT WILL BE REMOVED!

carry on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Reading whole books while tanning makes you well red.
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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Why can't you send email to the trump administration?

They prefer alternative fax.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Insanitychick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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Never been so sure of who I married

Trying to figure out dinners for meal preps and my husband straight up said β€œIt’s your diet that’s the problem. scoff Pescatarian? More like PESTatarian!” And I am simultaneously impressed and hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MddrThnHttr
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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If aliens came to Earth and used the creatures here as test subjects, what kind of candy would they create?

Species Pieces.

Every time I come up with one of these, I am simultaneously amused and extremely upset with myself.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryJertheim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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Dad and Son Team

Dinner guest: So last night I was watching a PBS documentary on Mars.

Father and Son simultaneously: Wow! How did you get back? (fist bump)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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Dad-joked my co-worker

She threw some of her lunch at me and goes "LETTUCE!"

I replied with "let us what?"

I had 6 pairs of eyes rolling simultaneously, along with a groan from another room. Haha

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rufdog2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 281
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πŸ‘€︎ u/microseconds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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I pulled this ol' chestnut out last night...

Daughter's 10 birthday party. Her friends are talking about eating snails...

Me: "Hey, do you think that snails want to buy cars with a big "S" on the side?"

7 little girls: "Why would they do that?"

Me: "so when they drive past, people say 'look at at that S-car go!'"

I watched 14 eyes roll simultaneously and loved every minute of it!

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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My Mum was looking at buying a new house when she saw a cute bungalow

Dad: Oh that would suit you. Bungalows are for people of limited intelligence...

I ask why as my sister simultaneously says "No don't fall for it!"

Dad: because they've got nothing upstairs.

-_-

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainjess
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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My Dad got me today.

We were discussing a problem encountered with self-checkout machines at supermarkets. When buying lemons, you could buy 1 lemon, or 3 lemons. Not 2, because for some reason the machine won't recognise it.
Dad says "Well that makes sense, because if you buy 2 lemons then it's a pear; and they'll be a different price!"
I simultaneously laughed and facepalmed.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tibbsy152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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Doctor's diagnosis

I went to the doctor's today. He asked what he could do for me. I told him that the other day my colleague was driving me to work to save on fuel while simultaneously saving the planet. and while we were passing through a mountain I all of a sudden felt a sharp pain in my wrists. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neusbal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
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Multi-generation dad joke

My dad and I were on Skype with my grandfather, talking about my college life. I said "I might study abroad or something." They both simultaneously said "Which broad are you going to study?"

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Pulled a dad joke in my dad.

This one be a little played out, but my Aunt, dad and I were dining out, and my Aunt ordered a shrimp salad, the waiter brings it out, and it's huge.

My dad: "Holy mackerel!" My aunt and I simultaneously: "No! It's shrimp!" My dad: " Hey! That's my job!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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Imagine, if you will, a futuristic dystopian society

In this society, companies and businesses are not legally allowed to give themselves a name. Instead, companies are ID's alphanumerically. The first businesses were Corporation A, Company B, Business C, ... Organization Z, Company A1, etc.

The world's current largest corporation is Company B. They're particularly known for their robotics manufacturing. One day, Company B had just finished the design for two new robots. One that would automatically play blues songs on a record player at the press of a button. (What we know today as a jukebox) The other was a companion robot for lonely people, modeled after a beagle.

Unfortunately, when the final version of these robots were being manufactured for a worldwide release, there was an error in the automated assembly line. This error caused the two robots to be built simultaneously, creating a single robot.

The resulting product came to be known as the Boogie Woogie Beagle Bot of Company B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMcSwaggerton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2015
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Got everyone at the meeting today

Boss was pointing out the new dry erase boards in the conference room and asked what we thought of them.

Me: "They're pretty remarkable"

The simultaneous groan from everyone in the room made my victory that much sweeter.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WajorMeasel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
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Makes me both happy and sad.

My dad was the "penultimate" dad-joker and I miss him so much. This sub makes me simultaneously happy and sad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterHerbologist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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Dad-joke my work place

I work at a small news station and we were having a mini-meeting after the show. Someone commented that one of the people in a commercial we were running was possibly dead and, if so, we would have to pull the ad. My response?

"Sounds like a grave situation."

What's even better, is the new guy commented on it, to which I asked everyone else what they thought of Codoro-jokes.

Multiple simultaneous groans.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codoro
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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The look on my mom's face was priceless.

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaaryk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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My friend's dad is amazing.

So, I have this friend named Mikee. I was over at her house with a couple of other friends for a road trip, and her dad started going crazy looking for something. He calls out "Hey, has anyone seen this heart-shaped box?"

So we all decided to look around for this heart-shaped box, and she eventually finds it. So she calls out to him "Hey dad! I think I found the box!" He comes in, and she gives him the box. Curious, I decided to ask him "So, what's in it?"

Smiling, he turns to me, and pulls out what was in the box.

"My keys."

He gives Mikee a hug, while everyone else is simultaneously awwing and groaning, while Mikee looks ready to die of embarrassment.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidMindItch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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At the Driving Range

My dad and I were at the driving range hitting golf balls. He steps up to take a big shot, strains himself a little too hard and simultaneously rips a fart as he hits the ball.

"Hit the shit outta that one!"

I still chuckle when I think about it.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poppinwheelies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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Every time we came home from a long trip.

I live in a town called pinckney (pronounced pink knee) and every time we would come home after a long drive he would say "hey we're in red elbow! Just kidding we're in pinckney! Simultaneous eye roll from everyone else in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twiztidpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2013
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Monkeys and dad jokes: an exquisite combination

In my biology class not too long ago, we covered a mini unit on invasive species. One of my classmates was giving a presentation on an invasive monkey species, explaining how it is very aggressive in nature and has been known to attack people and other animals in small groups. After hearing this, I couldn't help but raise my hand and pose the question: "So you could say these monkeys use guerrilla warfare?". Almost the entire class groaned simultaneously. It was glorious.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kid-named-cudi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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I've learned from the best.

Scene: Mum, Dad, and I, at party/bonfire thing, sitting outside in a gazebo, attempting to enjoy the relaxing night. Wind is making things rather chilly.

Mum (wrapped in blanket): "It would be rather nice if it wasn't so cold." *sighs* "This wind sucks."

Dad and I, simultaneously: "No, it blows." *high-five*

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MizukiYumeko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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Got the couple that came to my home showing today

I'm selling my ranch style home and a couple came for a showing today.

Me: so do you like the house?
Husband: yes we like having everything on the same level.
Me: easy, medium, or hard?
Couple: momentary puzzled looks followed by simultaneous eye rolls.
Me: ear to ear shit grin.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spyder_ryder33
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Dad has started selling stationery

And toys. Simultaneously.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scunyorpe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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My training is complete...

My mom was opening her presents and unwrapped a brand new fitbit. As she opened it, she exclaimed, "Yes! I am going to get fit!" And without even looking at each other, my dad and I simultaneously from opposite sides of the room interject, "Bit by bit!" My wife looked at me with an expression that was the perfect cocktail of disbelief, groaning, and eye-rolling while my father walked with his head held a little higher that night.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hou_mcbp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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The Joke

You awake in a room, it is dark, you are sitting in a fold up chair. You look down and feel your belly, it is rumbling. You look to the wall behind you and turn on the light. You turn back around only to see 3 dozen Dads telling jokes to each other and howling in laughter. You push through the crowd until you find your own father. Once you find him you tell him you're hungry. Immediately every dad in the crowd looks at you and simultaneously chants four words, "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazeyRocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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Dadjoked the cashier at Wendy's

So after ordering my food, I am standing to the side waiting on my meal. The lady behind the counter looks at a few of us and says, "I'm tired." I couldn't resist the urge... I replied "Hi tired, I'm the Hash_Slingin_Slasha."
Queue simultaneous silent groan from everyone within a 20' radius.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Shooting with Dad

Me, my dad, and my little brother were in the backyard shooting beer cans with a .45-70 rifle. When we came back in I started talking to some friends on Skype. My dad comes in to my room and tells me to ask my friends if they've ever shot a .45-70. When I told them we were shooting beer cans, my dad says "I guess you can say it was alcohol abuse.". Cue simultaneous groans from friends.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/White_Shadows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Shared a dad joke with a stranger tonight

I was taking an order tonight and one of the children ordered the chicken fingers. I told him that they were actually chicken strips. Everyone at the table let the comment gloss over them except for the dad, who smirked and started nodding. We broke the silence by simultaneously declaring "because chickens don't have fingers."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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I died after this incident.

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kronox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My dad had a good one at dinner last night

Last night me and my brother went out with our dad and got a bite to eat. As my dad started to pay me and my brother said "thanks dad," simultaneously and my dad replies "don't thank me yet these guys have a lot of dishes for you guys to do."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThekillerTurban
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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He told me this one back when we first saw "The Day After Tomorrow"

[During the part when there's multiple hurricanes going on simultaneously]

Dad: You know, those hurricanes are female hurricanes. Me: Really? Dad: Yeah. Do you know what they call a male hurricane? Me: What? Dad: A himicane. Me: http://media.giphy.com/media/QxMnbEqDemX5e/giphy.gif

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardcore9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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