Shotgunning A Beer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dev726
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2014
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I was out hunting in the forest with my shotgun...

... and stumbled across a naked woman. She started flirting with me, so I asked her if she was game.

She replied yes, so I shot her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Coronavirus is now all over the world

But China got it right off the bat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Said_It_in_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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What do you call a 600pound gorilla with a shotgun?

Sir.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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What is Jean Luc Picard's favorite shotgun?

TEN GUAGE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_Parker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?

Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rwtsk8
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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What do you call two fruits that had to cancel their shotgun wedding?

Cantaloupe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnkleDangler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Why was the double barreled shotgun unable to speak when it was upset?

It was two triggered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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I wish I lived in the days of Stagecoaches. I would have loved to have the job riding shotgun..

And bragging to all my friends that I am a Mail Escort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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My friend was talking about how he found a box of shotgun shells in his desk

I asked him if he could hear the ocean in them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nessnesn64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Isn’t any used gun a shotgun?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Koala__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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What fruit can’t have a shotgun wedding?

A β€œcan’t-elope”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dank_boi37
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What Do You Call A Statue With A Shotgun?

A blunderbust!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsmaybelline
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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What’s with all the hype over sawed-off shotguns?

I know, right? With that level of demand, you’d think they’d be called β€œsawed-after.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittyabbygirl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Salty joke

Geez, that freaky old man loaded his shotgun with salt and shot me. Really weird feeling after, like, I was never ass-salted before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_Leome
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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I've practiced firing my shotgun a lot but I don't think I'm improving.

It's hard to gauge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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Thermite be another way to crack this safe.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supguyyo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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I once saw two guns get married.

It was a shotgun wedding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Riding shotgun with wife and asked her "what's up?" before she was about to drive away. She said "nothing, why?".

Your handbrake. (I could almost see the irritating smoke coming from her nostrils.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HerePussyFishy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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What kind of fruit does a teen age girl whose father sits out side her bedroom door with a loaded shotgun eat?

cantaloupe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crsbeatz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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Engagement

What comes before a shotgun marriage?
En-gauge-ment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sfajason
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night.

The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.

The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"

The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"

The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamkeerock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I removed some grass from my front yard in the shape of my favorite movie/video game weapon.

But my HOA informed me that they don't allow sod-off shotguns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bubblezoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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These puns are tearable
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oj2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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An edgier pun

How did the mathematician kill himself?

With a hypote-shotgun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amazing9999
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet

We’re gonna have a BB!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adiadadous
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Dad's jokes drove us crazy

My dad was riding shotgun while my brother was making repeated futile attempts to pull his Suburban into a narrow parking space. Dad turned around to me, looked me in the eye and deadpanned, "He's got parking son's disease".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/towbeear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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A farmer had been in a prank war with his cow for years.

One day, the cow left a fake skeleton in the field, and the farmer thought the cow got torn apart by wild beasts. Sighing as he dropped his shotgun, he said,"Great. How am I gonna have beef with you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3LTA-X
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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One of the funniest things my dad ever said.

He was driving; I was sitting shotgun. The moon in the sky was just a tiny sliver. I pondered out loud that "I wonder if it's waxing or waning." My dad said "waning? It's not even cwoudy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heavvy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner.

Oh great. More mouths to feed.

(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P13579
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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What do you call an amputee riding passenger in a two-seater?

Sawed-off shotgun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/duntchwishugnu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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While walking near a farm I saw a horse with a broken leg

I asked the farmer don’t you shoot horses with broken legs? The farmer said no we shoot them with shotguns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faustudent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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Request: Wedding Puns

Hello fellow pun connoisseurs,

Friends of mine just recently had a bit of a shotgun wedding. I'm vowing to prepare a statement for them in celebration The bride is particularly fond of puns. While I've been grooming myself for this for some time, any matrimonial/wedding puns that I might consider would be much appreciated. It would be the best, man!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadasecond
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2013
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These little birds started causing quite the ruckus

I tried quailing the disturbance with my shotgun, but I was just winging it. Better luck nest time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Those darn hillbillies!

I heard some banjo music off in the distance. Some time later, there's a knock at my door. Staring through the peephole, I see two toothless hillbillies. One has a shotgun, the other has a frozen pizza.

Frightened, I barricade myself inside the apartment. I tell them to go away, that I'm calling the police.

That's when one of the hillbillies spoke up and said, "Aw, come on! It's not Deliverance, it's DiGiorno!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alc6379
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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What weapon do British people use to make their enemies go away?

A sod off shotgun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2014
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Street names

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_ids
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Just got blasted with this one

My friends Dad got a salt shotgun for Christmas to kill flies with.

Dad: Hey guys, if the cops come to the door and if they ask if we have any weapons, we can tell them we have an A-salt rifle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haannibal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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Dadjoke while driving the other day

A few days ago, I was headed home after dinner with my parents and I was sitting shotgun while my dad was driving. We are coming up to a yellow light at Dublin St. and my dad slams on the breaks to avoid running a red light. I go "Dad you should have floored it, we almost made it through Ireland." I got a fist bump from my ol' man and groan from my mother. Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebelE16
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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Roommate might be a dad

Walking to the car yesterday I called "Shotgun!" and my roommate called "AK-47!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tall_Paul88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2014
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Intense movies with my dad lead to this sort of thing way too often...

Watching some intense mobster movie with my dad: Two guys come in with shotguns and unload about 10 shots into the don while he's eating really fancy food and drinking wine. Dad looks over. "They'll never get the wine out of that shirt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perfectionist569
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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Gotta love family gatherings

Back home yesterday preparing the supper.

Dad pumps a fake shotgun, pulls a fake trigger whilst farting. But the fart was more of a quiet "pfft" so he says, "oh, had the silencer on."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BammaLamb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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