I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/WiccedSwede
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2021
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Youโ€™re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say โ€œTerry? Thatโ€™s a girls name!โ€ He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissinโ€™ Terry

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 184
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Sincons
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 23 2019
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Who decided to call it a gun box, and not a shoot case?
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/napalm_roolz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 26 2019
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How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot?

Pew pew

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/gentlewoolfy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 09 2019
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What kind of dog has a gun and shoots people?

A terrierist.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ToonyCream
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 01 2018
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Did you hear about the gun that only shoots Israeli produced bullets?

I hear it's a semite automatic weapon.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bucnjazzfan
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 19 2019
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Brought my kids to the pool and they started shooting at me with water guns. โ€œThatโ€™s for all your bad dad jokes!!โ€ they screamed.

I replied, โ€œthanks, they were getting kind of dry.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 167
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kgold0
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 08 2021
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 585
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lodiman77
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 07 2022
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I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnโ€™t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 28 2019
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What did the angry gun say to the bullet after shooting it?

You are fired.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bonp27
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 15 2020
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bambooโ€ฆ

When heโ€™s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, โ€œHey! What the hell, man?โ€

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling bear of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/toasterstrewdal
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 01 2022
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My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.

Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 23 2021
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Gay Pride....
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 219
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 06 2021
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I was on the table with my son pretending to be shooting guns around our living room.

My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'

I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 17 2018
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Panda!

Panda walks into a restaurent & orders a sandiwch. After finishing the sandwich he gets up, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and turns to the manager and says ...'I am a Panda, look it up'!

Managers checks the dictonary that reads.. - 'Panda- Large mamal found in China, who eats shoots and leaves'!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/upordown7677
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 29 2021
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It's in their nature

Mangoes does favorite restaurant, finds himself a table and places his order with a waiter. While he is sitting there waiting for his food a large black and white bear like mammal stands up, wipes some crumbs from the corners of his mouth, pulls out a gun, and fires a few rounds into the ceiling and the back wall of the dining room. When the waiter comes with the man's meal the man asks him, "What was that about?" The waiter replies, "Oh, that? That was a panda. It's in their nature. Look it up." The man pulls his phone out and searches "panda" the definition reads, "Panda a large black and white bear like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.

Disclaimer: I love this one but the bad punctuation element of it peeves me a bit.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Sensitive-Tough2614
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 08 2021
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old one tho
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/aryanyr
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 11 2020
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A panda walks up to an outdoor diner.

She orders a salad, eats it, then draws a gun and fires it into the sky. Then walks away.

"WTF," said the waiter.

As the panda walks away, she shouts "I'm a panda....Look it up."

The waiter googles Panda and sees

Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SoCaldFundit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2021
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Apologies in advance ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

โ€œYouโ€™ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout โ€˜Bangity bang-bangโ€™. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonet and shout โ€˜Stabbity stab-stabโ€™. Now get moving.โ€

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts โ€œBangity bang-bang!โ€ the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts โ€œStabbity stab-stab!โ€ and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting โ€œBangity bang-bangโ€ and occasionally โ€œStabbity-stab-stabโ€, until eventually he realizes heโ€™s the last man standing.

Heโ€™s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, โ€œBangity-bang-bang!โ€

But the other soldier doesnโ€™t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, โ€œBangity bang-bang!โ€ But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, โ€œBangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!โ€ But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says: โ€œTankity tank-tank.โ€....

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/orcamarine
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 19 2021
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I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it wonโ€™t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 04 2019
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I got a job as a bullet

But I was immediately fired.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 852
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dandan_56
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 14 2020
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Why don't developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

Edit: Wow! This really took off! I'm happy to have inspired so many grins, cringes, and chuckles!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PickleFart69
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2019
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How do you kill a BLUE elephant?

Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 86
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Binksamus
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 05 2020
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There was a shooting today,

The suspect used a starting pistol.

They say it was race related

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mediumfanta
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 05 2017
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This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kriskidd21
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2020
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I make a lot of dad jokes for someone who has no kids.

You could call this a faux pas. Shoots finger guns

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CyberCyanus
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 14 2020
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A Panda walks into a restaurant...

sits down and orders bamboo. Once he finishes his meal he stands up, pulls two guns from his furry pockets and shoots up at the ceiling not harming anyone. He then drops the guns and walks out. Confused, his waiter runs after him and yells, "Hey bear! What was that all about??!!". The panda says "Look me up." Confused, the waiter looks up "panda" and reads, "A bear that eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/maxbrickem
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 25 2018
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An Australian is walking over to a friend to say hi.

All of a sudden, his friend pulls out a gun and shoots him. As the Australian is bleeding out on the ground, he rasps, โ€œgood aim, mate.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Undercover-Cactus
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 21 2019
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 09 2019
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A bear walks into a bar and says...

... "Give me a whiskey and... Koka-Koala"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugs. "I'm not sure; I was born with them"

The bear's friend, a panda, walks into the bar. He eats a sandwich, shoots a gun and leaves.

"He always eats, shoots and leaves when he comes to my bar! I still don't know why!" The bartender exclaims.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Odysseus3
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 10 2017
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Dad joked my friend

My friend said he wanted the squirt gun that shoots jelly from the island of misfit toys. I told him it would probably jam a lot and asked him if it was standard issue for the US Army Preserves.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 163
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SirBrentsworth
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 24 2013
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The Gun Show

I went to a gun show last weekend, and they were interviewing the NRA chairman on some new gun laws. They wanted to get people excited, so they shot t-shirts out into the audience with a t-shirt gun. They wanted to shoot money instead, but they were told they couldnโ€™t use the money gun; it was a Cash .22.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Patisfaction
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 22 2017
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My Son will make a great dad some day.

My son is 5. He was cutting out paper and put it in the shape of a (very crude) gun.

"Dad, what kind of gun does this look like?"

I dunno son - it kind of looks like a hand gun.

Son: "A gun that shoots out hands?"

..........he got me.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/margraves
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 04 2016
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A Panda Walks Into A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, orders his food, eats it, but when the waiter comes to bring him his check, he pulls out a gun, shoots him, and walks out the door. The next day the panda does the same thing, same bar. The third day the manager is standing at the entrance and says, "What are you doing here? You shot two of my waiters! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" The panda says, "No wait! I just did what I'm supposed to!" The manager looks at him like WTF? But the panda says, "No listen." So he pulls out a dictionary, and it says, "Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lazyrightsactivist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 29 2013
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I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnโ€™t get my gun to fire

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/takuache_beaner
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 29 2020
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I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnโ€™t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 17 2019
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but Iโ€™m not impressed.

Iโ€™ve had a Canon printer for years.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 11 2019
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How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chairfairy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 26 2021
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Blue elephants

How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot it with a blue elephant gun

How do you kill a red elephant?

You hold its nose til it turns blue the. Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/actsparkles
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Squeeze itโ€™s trunk until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ranchdressinggospel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 22 2019
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How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/qqwrz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 19 2017
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