Why was the baby jalapeΓ±o shivering?

He was a little chili

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Why is the pirate shivering in his tembers

He has paaaarrrrgggkinson's

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I went out hiking with a friend once but was drastically unprepared, I was shivering. He said to me, you must be a dwarf from South America

Because you're looking a little chilly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clearlytrippin179
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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The dog has been having an issue with constantly looking like it's shivering lately.

I'm worried it might be Barkinson's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadedBread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
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*shivers*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandondsantos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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What do you call a boat at the bottom of the ocean that shivers?

A nervous wreck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fl_ured
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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β€œHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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What lies on a seabed and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mightyale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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What do you call wood that's scared?

Petrified

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck

(for da best effect read in a nice piratey voice me lads)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JephriB
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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When does dinner make you shiver?

When it's chili.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Pankiest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sky5598
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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So proud

The other day, we were getting my 3 year old daughter out of the bath. You know how cold that transition is.

D = daughter M = me

D: "Daddy, me owl."

M: confused face "What?"

D: shivering "whoooooo, hoooooo"

Her first pun!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PilotWombat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Here's a joke about stepping on a scale

Weight for it..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-CrestiaBell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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What is a pirates least favourite workout?

Peg day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broccoli_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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How much does a pirate pay for ear piercings?

A buck an ear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skycannon7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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RIP boiling water

You will be mist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tachankers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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What's the secret for building suspense?
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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I hear there's a new dating website for pirates...

It's called Shiver Me Tinder...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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Global warming doesn't worry me

It's global cooling that gives me shivers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingkwassa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
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What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My Dad's simplistic Jokes that I now find funny

Side Note: I'm older and moved out of the house and I find these jokes funny now. I just found this sub and wanted to share a piece of my childhood.

When I was around 10 years old, I jumped in a pool and instantly started shivering. My dad looks at me and says "Did the turtle go back in the shell?"

Another time, my older brother was making a sandwich and had it finished sitting on a plate on the counter. My brother turned around to put the stuff away in the fridge and in that minuet my dad walked up stairs grabbed the sandwich and walked back down stairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurchman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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My friend got me good today.

We were outside and I was so cold I was shivering. Being the good friend he is, he offered me his leather jacket.

Now, my friend is this skinny little dude, and I'm a heavier set guy.

Me: What is it a medium? Sorry, but I'm an XL dude.

My friend: Really, I always pictured you as a powerpoint kinda guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaleDribble
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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A couple jokes my sister has said over the years that I loved.

7+ years ago my sister and I were spending time with the makeshift hammock we had just built. She was spending more time than I was in it which led to argument.

Me: "Get out of the hammock or I will throw this Pretzel at your face."

Sister: "Go ahead and throw it at my face! I will just charge you with a salt!"

She laughed and winked as she shouted it.

Another time when she was around 8 or 9 she shouted something from the bathroom as she bathed.

Sister: "Everyone! what does a pirate say when his bath is too cold?"

Family: "What?"

Sister: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"

These aren't even the best moments she has had. I just remember them most vividly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Braggle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Whats at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whymustudodat
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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What's at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A nervous wreck!!

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πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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There's a new dating app out for pirates.

It's called Shiver Me Tindrs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skonen_blades
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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