My son asked me why rattlesnakes have rattles on them

It's a cautionary tail

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📅︎ Jan 11 2021
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I wish I had a dollar for every Dad joke, turn of phrase, or play on words I manage to rattle off on a daily basis.

You know what they say though, "Punny doesn't grow on trees..."

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📅︎ Jun 05 2017
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My son improved the glue joke, "Hows that new glue"

Son: "It's holding up."

He rattles these off as I read r/dadjokes to him

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👤︎ u/s14owner95
📅︎ Feb 04 2021
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My dad was stunned when I rattled this off

He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it.

"Man, that must be ear-itating"

"Do your homework"

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👤︎ u/BearGuru
📅︎ Apr 18 2017
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30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ Nov 07 2015
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Did you hear about the skeleton who was scared of mariachi music?

He was pretty rattled.

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👤︎ u/AUTOSHAWT
📅︎ Oct 02 2020
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you."

I said, "Don't mention it."

👍︎ 8k
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📅︎ Apr 13 2019
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I get annoyed at maraca's

Something about them gets me rattled

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📅︎ Jul 01 2020
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"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

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📅︎ May 13 2020
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A few he just rattled off...

What happens when you pour root beer in a square glass? You get beer.

There's a band called 1000 megabytes... They haven't had any gigs yet...

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📅︎ Dec 31 2013
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Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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👤︎ u/notdadbot
📅︎ Nov 01 2019
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A 3.14 meter long snake
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📅︎ May 13 2019
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My wife says I have only two faults

I don't listen to her and something else she was rattling on about.

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👤︎ u/gauisg
📅︎ Nov 23 2019
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How do snakes show frustration?

They throw a hissy fit.

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📅︎ Dec 30 2018
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My first organic dad joke

My wife texted me saying "we've been nuts all day", as in busy. I asked her "what kind?" And then proceeded to rattle off her co-workers names paired with nuts of the same letter, eg: Cashew Crissy, Pistachio Patty.

Then I laughed like an idiot for 5 minutes.

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👤︎ u/NiceIsis
📅︎ Mar 19 2019
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A skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer and a mop
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👤︎ u/RevDodgeUK
📅︎ Mar 15 2017
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What is a dentists favorite time of the day?

2:30 (Tooth Hurty)

I suspect I didn't make this up. Heard it SOMEWHERE on a tv show or movie. But I don't recall. Never the less it has been rattling around in my head for a few days now.

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📅︎ Dec 14 2014
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The pun gods smiled upon me today.

My friend got a static shock, and in the span of 5 minutes I rattled off these:

  • Geez, that's shocking news.

  • How are you current-ly feeling?

  • Don't give me that look. I'm just trying to energize you.

  • Looks like I gotta amp up my jokes.

  • I'm gonna hit you with a battery of jokes until you laugh.

  • Don't let your sense of humor be so static.

  • This isn't a crime, you can't charge me with anything.

  • Wire you so upset?

  • Do you want me to plug the stream of jokes?

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👤︎ u/phraps
📅︎ Feb 20 2016
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How I knew I was a dad...

My son was playing his upright bass and there was a rattle coming from it. I suggested he tighten up the peg on the bottom, which fixed the rattle. He told me they should get rid of those pins, because a kid gets stabbed five or six times a year.

I said they should just stop that kid.

The resulting look confirmed it... I'm a dad.

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📅︎ Dec 03 2016
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My son has weekly vocabulary words and a variety of exercises to practice the words

So this week he chose to make cards for each word. He made two cards for each word and made a Memory game out of them.

We are playing memory and I find the word "Joke" on one paper. I look at my son and say "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" and start to rattle the paper in front of him.

Then when I found the matching card, I said "Hey, want to hear the other joke?"

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👤︎ u/Soulfly37
📅︎ Jan 14 2015
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My dad's top 3 weird quotes/jokes
  1. Anytime anything rattles he says "that sounds like 2 skeletons making love in a biscuit tin."
  2. Any beeping, anywhere, ever, he grabs his chest and says "is that my pacemaker?"
  3. And the most awkward (he regularly says this) "I believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll... well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad." Then he sneers. Smugly. Every. Time.
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📅︎ Sep 18 2013
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My 3 year old son dad joked me.

About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.

Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.

This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?

"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?

He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.

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👤︎ u/nathanc98
📅︎ Sep 14 2014
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A dad joke that totally stinks

My daughter, sitting in the passenger seat: I think I know what's causing that rattling sound in the car. It's this bottle of perfume.

Me: That makes sense.

Daughter: Oh, daaaaad.

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Y'know, scents.

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👤︎ u/solresol
📅︎ Feb 14 2014
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