Dad: "What?!?? You don't even recognize your own father??"
Melons and cauliflowers
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
https://preview.redd.it/8ppw52plovi21.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dca9d9190f206d5164191b6da515bbb67772c7ba
Husband: "Usually in the spice rack."
My wife and I are chatting about where to go on vacation.
Wife: You know, I really would love to see Aspen, Colorado. It looks beautiful. Me: Aspen you shall receive. Wife: ... You're a horrible person.
I dont know how parents can be mean enough to name their child after a fried rodent.. and i just sat there looking at him confused until he whispered...... "crisp rat"
My dad: So there's this family of moles, who live underground of course. The mother mole comes out of their hole and says, "Oh, it smells like syrup out here." Then the father mole comes out behind her and says, "I think it smells like honey." Then their son comes out behind both of them, but he couldn't fit out of the hole, and he says, "Well to me it smells like molasses!"
Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.
Me, "What do you want son?"
Son, "Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee?"
Me in a very contemplative tone, "You want an Icee, hmm, I see"
Dad: Hey (OP's sister), do fetuses ever get fevers?
Sister: ... What? Why?
Dad: Because I think they're always at WOMB TEMPERATURE!
Q: what's a zombies favorite weather?
A: a brainstorm !
I guess I can add that to my list
A friend told me, that she almost started crying, because she didnt hear from me. To this I answered, that crying is no solution.
A few moments later she replies: "Yes it is. Tears consist of water and salt."
So I was making a pot of loose leaf tea, and I see a dry clean-looking spoon on the counter by the tea, so I ask my wife "Is this a tea spoon?"
Then she (rudely, I might add) glared at me and said "yes." in a flat monotone.
I looked at her, confused and offended, so she said "It's a teaspoon."
I wish I could say I got it then, but she had to clarify further: "No, it's an actual teaspoon, and yes you can use it for the tea."
...
Anyway, how does it work at this point? Should I be the one to tell our daughter that her mom is her new dad now, or does that need to come from my wife?
I was taking my cat's litterbox downstairs to change it, when I passed by my dad...
Dad: Oh, are you going back [to college] tonight?
Me: No....?
Dad: Oh. Well you have all your shit with you.
Really, dad.....
Dad (doing a crossword puzzle): What is a music note with four sharps?
Me: I don't know, but I bet it ain't flat and dull!
My dad just stared at his paper and sighed.
My brother: You have bags under your eyes. Me: Huh? turns to dad Do I have bags under my eyes? Dad: Paper or plastic?
Boyfriend serves dinner, a delicious salad. Him: Ok, let us eat! Me: No, this is arugula. He gave me the side eye and shook his head.
Whenever my Dad hears the song "Feliz Navidad" he sings "Feliz Navi DAD".
I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.
Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"
Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."
As a kid, I can remember having petty fights with my brothers about something stupid (like about finishing the last reese puffs) Anyway, one time while arguing my brother yelled, "THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"
My dad somehow walked into the perfect moment to say, "It makes 10 cents."
