Why do snails take self defense classes.

So they don't get assaulted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A daring pun train.

A soldier drags a power cable across a battlefield. He is leading the charge.

A stray bullet breaks the cable and the soldier gets electrocuted. He was shell shocked.

The soldier starts flailing, hitting another soldier. He was charged with assault.

The charge jumps to Soldier 2 on contact. It became assault and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWinterPrince52
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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I know this is old, but this is no ordinary link post... kelp me continue the sea of puns in the comments section below! collegehumor.com/upick/66…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tony_1337
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2012
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Did you hear of the boy who’s turtle died?

He’s shell shocked

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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At our town's 4th of July fireworks show, a vendor was selling pet turtles. My wife, impulsive animal lover that she is, bought one.

After the fireworks, we were gathering up our things to leave. She asked if her new turtle was OK. I picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, "It looks a little shell-shocked."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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Was with some guys golfing and 4 balls hit the water within a minute.

The turtle that was swimming there swam away, frightened. Guess he was shell shocked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OKSPUD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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After coming back from the vet and finding my turtle needs surgery.

Me: ::starring blankly while eating dinner:: Wife: Are you just shell shocked at the price?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zcamper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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Driving through a thunderstorm and...

girlfriend sees turtle stopped in the road and cautions me not to hit him. I response with "he probably got shell shocked."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tx_Deception_Tx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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Can clever moms play too?

I was putting my clarinet on my closet shelf (the kind that has a rack for clothes attached), and the entire shelf collapsed, came out of the wall, and 2 trumpets in cases came down on top of me. Went to tell mom I broke my closet, said I was a bit shell-shocked and it startled the hell out of me. She said, "Don't you mean shelf-shocked?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hersheyboo03
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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