Police forces are deflating the stats of seized drugs during the drug war campaign.

Apparently, they didn't do the math but they did the meth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldomccoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Did you hear about the F1 driver who seized the day?

He ended up on the carpo dium

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaredwaywell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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In June there was a Supreme Court ruling that overturned a Department of Agriculture policy in which raisins were seized from farmers in order to maintain high prices. An appeal case was suggested that would mandate compensation for farmers who forfeited their raisins

Clarence Thomas, in response, said an appeal would be "a fruitless exercise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dude108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
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Just seized an opportunity...

My brother and friends are working on a truck when this happened:

Friend: what's that stuff you're putting on?

Brother: anti-seize

...

Me: we also have an uncle seize, but right now he's overseas.

There was a pause then some groans.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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I heard Apple are trying to seize the market on immaterial groups of dolphins

I think they called them airpods

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HJMW08
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotland42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.

Now that's what I call seizing the day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do sopranos go sailing?

The high C’s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burger_k1ng
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.

They never seize to amaze me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solemnbiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Found in the wild. Seize the day. reddit.com/r/FortNiteBR/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtymisMartin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Sun is coming out

My wife gets pretty hot when sleeping, today she was extra hot and said "I feel like sun is going to come out of me".

I seized the moment. I said, "But he already did, he is sleeping in the next room".

We both laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/attitudecj
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Seizing the prank v.redd.it/wkt0ui2t6l101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM-for-PM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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"Seize the day" - Carp-In-Denim i.reddituploads.com/1ead3…
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhShitItsDatJew
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
🚨︎ report
A young man worked at a carpet selling business

A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esjay_
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Never seizes to amaze. Even over texts

Me: You sure I have to go tomorrow?

Dad: Yes. The family is expecting you. Just talk to David and he can help you out.

Me: Roger That

Dad: No his name is David

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πŸ‘€︎ u/12TripleAce12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
🚨︎ report
What does the marxman put in his gun?

Communition!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Whenever my dad encourages me to take risks and try something, he says "Seize the carp!"

My mother freaks out whenever she hears him say that because she hates it and she's sick of it. I think it's hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe_sand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Seize the day

Recently, one of my friends had a seizure on her birthday and found out that she's epileptic.

Towards the end of the day while she was in the hospital, her dad makes the comment "Well I guess you really seized the day".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainsweaters
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Was hoping someone would seize the opportunity, Mystery Dad pulls through
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japooki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Personally, i agree with the communist manifesto
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BossRediter87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Why is communism hip right now

Because they've seized the memes of production

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnbr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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Communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zethantheGOAT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said β€œseize her salad”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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How do you stop an Internet troll?

Seize their memes of production.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tactical_Wolf
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodie1550
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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jokes about communism arent funny, unless everyone gets them
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeislie49
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Tried a Dad Joke on my grandfather....it backfired.

I walk into his house and he yells, gruffly, "What are you up to?". Seizing my opportunity, I quip back "Ohh about 6 foot 4.". He glares at me for 5 solid seconds and says dryly, "I didn't know they could stack shit that high!". Uncontrollable laughter for the next 5 minutes from him.

RIP Old Man

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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If reddit's staff ever rose up...

...they would be seizing the memes of production.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Admiral_Red_Wings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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How do epileptics make the most of life?

Seize the day!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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Epileptics are always so upbeat

It must be because they seize the day.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pacos-ego
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s a kidnapper’s favorite salad?

Seize Her Salad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinbluecolor
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
'I' before 'e' except after 'c'. That's weird.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2016
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Bees

(I know I just posted something a little while ago, but I just found this subreddit today and thought of another good dad story)

As a child I had an immense fear of bees. So, one day my dad and I were at the Museum of Science in Boston together checking out the exhibits. In one room there was a huge (actual) beehive encased in glass with hundreds of bees inside. Attached to the glass was a plastic speaker thing so you could put your ear against it and hear all the buzzing. So I mustered up some courage and gave it a go. As I was getting a good listen, my dad went "bzzzzZzzzzz" and tickled my ear with his finger. I freaked the fuck out, and swatted furiously all over the place. I cried, and was all mopey and pouty for the rest of the day.

In hindsight, I realize that that was an opportunity that just had to be seized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/albert_camus69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Today a coworker said, "Yeah, there is only one living member of The Bee Gees left..."

Of course I seized the opportunity and said "I guess they aren't doing so great at Stayin' Alive"

I was met with a CSI style "YEAHHHH" and many giggles.

Too many dads at work. I love it.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azsunyx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Getting p(irate)

What's a pirates favourite letter? R!!

What's a pirates second favourite letter?? C!!

What's a pirates least favourite letter??

Dear Mr Pirate, we regret to inform you that due to improper acquirement of docking paperwork your ship has been seized....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/optometris
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by my boss when I told him I wasn't coming in.

Me: "Gonna take a day. Feel like shit." Boss: "Where you taking it? Don't feel that bad about it."

Bonus photo proof!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Publicly embarrassed the wife and daughter today.

We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says "The frogurt store is slammed".

I seized my opportunity replying to her with "Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CBusin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my Girlfriend

When my girlfriend asks me a question, there's usually a pause somewhere before her actual question.

GF: Do you ever think... Me: All the time! GF: ...I fucking hate you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fxcking_scorpio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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Son is going as "Scream" for Halloween, dadjoked him

My son was telling me about how he talked to a boy on his schoolbus about Halloween. He told me, "I said I'm going as Scream for Halloween, and he said he's gonna be Scream too!".

So I, seizing the opportunity, said: "I guess that makes you Scream One then!"

God, I laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omegafrog1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
🚨︎ report
"What's the caller ID say?"

"Epilepsy foundation."

"You need to seize that call!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stophauntingme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
🚨︎ report
In an Asian Market,

I was walking with my girlfriend, scanning the aisles and she commented on how there was so much curry in one area. Seizing an opportunity, I promptly told her that somebody got curried away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsearce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my friend today. It was a proud moment for me.

My friend and I were talking about our ancestry a little bit and she mentioned that she was French. So I said, "oh that's cool I didn't know that". She then replies by saying "Oui, I am 1/8 French". Seizing the opportunity I say to her, "Oh, so you have a little oui oui in you then huh?" We laughed for much longer than we should have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AveryW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report

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