My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
I think they called them airpods
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
Apparently, they didn't do the math but they did the meth.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
They never seize to amaze me
All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!
Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.
For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.
So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!
Happy quarantine, everyone!
Me: You sure I have to go tomorrow?
Dad: Yes. The family is expecting you. Just talk to David and he can help you out.
Me: Roger That
Dad: No his name is David
He ended up on the carpo dium
My wife gets pretty hot when sleeping, today she was extra hot and said "I feel like sun is going to come out of me".
I seized the moment. I said, "But he already did, he is sleeping in the next room".
We both laughed.
Clarence Thomas, in response, said an appeal would be "a fruitless exercise"
My mother freaks out whenever she hears him say that because she hates it and she's sick of it. I think it's hilarious.
A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"
My brother and friends are working on a truck when this happened:
Friend: what's that stuff you're putting on?
Brother: anti-seize
...
Me: we also have an uncle seize, but right now he's overseas.
There was a pause then some groans.
Recently, one of my friends had a seizure on her birthday and found out that she's epileptic.
Towards the end of the day while she was in the hospital, her dad makes the comment "Well I guess you really seized the day".
I walk into his house and he yells, gruffly, "What are you up to?". Seizing my opportunity, I quip back "Ohh about 6 foot 4.". He glares at me for 5 solid seconds and says dryly, "I didn't know they could stack shit that high!". Uncontrollable laughter for the next 5 minutes from him.
RIP Old Man
Seize their memes of production.
Because they've seized the memes of production
...they would be seizing the memes of production.
It saw the salad dressing.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”
Seize the day!
It must be because they seize the day.
Seize Her Salad
My son was telling me about how he talked to a boy on his schoolbus about Halloween. He told me, "I said I'm going as Scream for Halloween, and he said he's gonna be Scream too!".
So I, seizing the opportunity, said: "I guess that makes you Scream One then!"
God, I laughed.
I was walking with my girlfriend, scanning the aisles and she commented on how there was so much curry in one area. Seizing an opportunity, I promptly told her that somebody got curried away.
(I know I just posted something a little while ago, but I just found this subreddit today and thought of another good dad story)
As a child I had an immense fear of bees. So, one day my dad and I were at the Museum of Science in Boston together checking out the exhibits. In one room there was a huge (actual) beehive encased in glass with hundreds of bees inside. Attached to the glass was a plastic speaker thing so you could put your ear against it and hear all the buzzing. So I mustered up some courage and gave it a go. As I was getting a good listen, my dad went "bzzzzZzzzzz" and tickled my ear with his finger. I freaked the fuck out, and swatted furiously all over the place. I cried, and was all mopey and pouty for the rest of the day.
In hindsight, I realize that that was an opportunity that just had to be seized.
Me: "Gonna take a day. Feel like shit." Boss: "Where you taking it? Don't feel that bad about it."
Of course I seized the opportunity and said "I guess they aren't doing so great at Stayin' Alive"
I was met with a CSI style "YEAHHHH" and many giggles.
Too many dads at work. I love it.
When my girlfriend asks me a question, there's usually a pause somewhere before her actual question.
GF: Do you ever think... Me: All the time! GF: ...I fucking hate you.
What's a pirates favourite letter? R!!
What's a pirates second favourite letter?? C!!
What's a pirates least favourite letter??
Dear Mr Pirate, we regret to inform you that due to improper acquirement of docking paperwork your ship has been seized....
My friend and I were talking about our ancestry a little bit and she mentioned that she was French. So I said, "oh that's cool I didn't know that". She then replies by saying "Oui, I am 1/8 French". Seizing the opportunity I say to her, "Oh, so you have a little oui oui in you then huh?" We laughed for much longer than we should have.
We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says "The frogurt store is slammed".
I seized my opportunity replying to her with "Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin?"
