Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
The other replies ‘mooo’
I never understood why people say that a tennis ball hurts so bad.
Then it hit me.
What did the Muslim train engineer say when his child asked why a creature so perplexing as the platypus would be created?
"Allah bored"
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
So scientists says that students need to sleep 8 - 10 hours
or -2 hours
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
...talking to the wine."
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Day 4: “why do you say so many bad puns”
“That’s how eye roll”
What did Mariah Carey say when her boyfriend bought her an undeveloped property so they could build their dream house?
I don’t want a lot for Christmas.
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
My wife says I snore at night so I conducted an experiment
I stayed up all night and I didn't snore once.
Some say it’s sad that so many kids are shuffled through foster care.
Others might call it reWARDing.
I know. I’m sorry.
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
I have OCD so whenever someone says "tho"
I always respond with "ugh"
They say opposites attract; so if your mum/mom serious, then your...
Dad jokes!
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
DON'T BE JELLY!
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?
Oh, put a sock in it!
Woman: So your brother says you're really into bodybuilding?
Dr. Frankenstein:
I think it’s so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora
It means a lot
At the end of the day we can say 2020 wasn't so bad.
Because hindsight is 2020.
I used to be very addicted to swimming but now, I'm so proud to say..
..that I've been dry for the last four years.
So Poland's dealing with a surge in the number of the novel coronavirus cases. Can we say that the Winged HusSARS arrived?
Abandoned... so you could almost say the owner was sick of this ship.
A mom angrily told her 4 year old son to say counting if he wanted to get his lunch. So the boy started... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10...
I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
Beehive
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:
A joke, dad.
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
A botanist tells a joke to another botanist that he finds particularly funny. The first botanist is laughing so hard he can hardly muster a sentence, but manages to say...
That joke was so funny I nearly wet my plants!
My wife says I shouldn't put so much jelly on my toast
But I can't help it, that shit's my jam
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
So a penguin, a priest and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:
What is this, some sort of a joke?
Why does it take a pirate so long to say the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
An artificial Swedener
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
My GF was board so she asked me a question. Can't say I'm Sorry.
