Safer Puns

I said, “OK, Zoomer.“

There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.

You could say I was a bit of a mummy's boy.

What's in a name?

My wife keeps going on about the horror stories she hears at work of fires starting due to candles. I decided to develop my own candle which doesn't produce heat and therefore there is no risk of a fire. It only makes scents.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

Inside jokes

The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.

The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.

I am much safer with my usual anti social distancing.

So I told him it would be a lot safer if he got IN the bus!

I said probably safer if you just stood there or you could slip

"Trust me," I said, "I'm a lot safer when I haven't stolen the vehicle, officer."

Talking about an upcoming trip, I mentioned that we should pack our son in the small suitcase and us in the medium one.

Without missing a beat, she says she felt he would be safer in the backseat.

For a woman who is so literal, I was so proud.

We were pretty pushed for time getting ready before a meal, and my girlfriend said to me "ok I'm just gonna jump in the shower". To which I had to reply "it'd be a lot safer to stand"

Finally got to use this classic!

Kid: "Dad, I'm gonna hop in the shower."

Me: "You should probably just stand still, it's safer."

Early morning at the hotel getting ready to go the Magic Kingdom, I'm taking my 6 year old to the food court, my wife asks my mom to watch our 2 year old so she can "jump in the shower"

Mom - "I wouldn't jump, there is no mat in there, probably safer to stand." And goes back to drinking her coffee....

I cried a couple tears of joy...

And there's a plastic box in the back with all my shampoo and shit in it clunking around making noise. I tell my mom that it might have been better to put my toiletries in a safer place, to which my dad responds, "well I'm going to grow a whole orchard and sell them to Home Depot. You know, those toilet trees that you have."

Ughhh, I'll be glad once I'm at college

He told me it would be safer to simply stand like a normal person.

(maybe a repost, but I've never heard this one before. Thanks dad.)

The other day I introduced my friend to reddit. Somehow we got on the topic of 4chan and I said:

Me: "Enjoy reddit, but don't go to the dark place of 4chan."

Friend: "I'll guess I'll start out with the safer version, 2chan."

Me: -_-

At least once a week...

Me: I'm gonna go jump in the shower.

Dad: You'd better step, its safer!

Me: Ugh. Nevermind, I'm moving out.