I think my dad's getting sick of the Bernie memes. He also did not appreciate my response.
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
Anyone with the last name Boyce has a social responsibility to name their son Ferdinand
Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce
they have found the heartless people responsible for all this controversy with the stocks
Did you know the first French Fries weren't cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
Man: I’m so sorry I’m late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.
Me: Well, your search ends today.
At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
Take responsibility for your actions.
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
Elephant response
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:
You’ll see. You’ll all see.
How does it smell
I met a bloke the other day who said he had a dog with no nose.
I asked him how it smelled.
“Bloody awful” was the response.
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because... with great power comes great response ability!
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
Just got out of a great interview with an amazing new job...
They told me they were looking for someone responsible! I told them this was perfect, whenever something went wrong at my old job they always said I was responsible.
I looked up my family tree.
Comedy Routine
So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!
I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.
Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!
What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.
And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"
10 yr old daughter playing video games yells, “GIRL!”
Dad response, “You know it’s true...”
Daughter laughs (she actually likes my Dad jokes... heh) 🙂
The response time was very slow
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
Brain freeze
My dad is a health care professional and recently had a patient that has been “huffing Freon for the past 18 years.” His response?
“I wonder if he gets really bad brain freeze.”
Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it “Responsibly.”
Advertising slogan will be a doddle: “Please drink Responsibly.”
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...
...so that’s just being hippocritical...
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?
They insist on bringing a baby to full term.
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
What do you call an otolaryngologist that is found guilty of malpractice?
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
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