I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey!! Everyone who received a book from me for Xmas...

They are due back at the library this week.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
It must be tough working in the shipping and receiving department of a zoo.

No one ever addresses the elephant in the room.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigtuna_burger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...

I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
At this year's graduation cermony @ UCLA, James Hetfield will receive the Jim Henson memorial degree...

...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. 🀘

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, β€œBurger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.

β€œNo”, replies the burger, β€œbut I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”

β€œOh, sorry”, said the man, β€œI thought you were a meaty urologist”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?

Their flight was deleied.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials held here in Melbourne. I received my first shot at 9.00 am this morning

It’s completely safe with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and im currently feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timbillyosu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Bonnie Tyler's new range of biscuits have received good reviews

They're good dunkers, but every now and then they fall apart

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elbobby89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their Cows are being stolen during the night...

Apparently they are looking for a man with a big moo-stash.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/displaynone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

πŸ‘︎ 606
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*

This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JSmithy46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I received a verifiable threat against my Boston cream pie

So I had it placed in protective custardy

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeisureSuitLaurie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The capital of India received a large shipment of refrigerators for displaying meat but they were contaminated with coronavirus...

it was a lot of new deli cases

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtaldad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon receiving his meal at a restaurant,

The practitioner uttered through a smile, β€œjust what the doctor ordered”.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Replicatar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY!

πŸ‘︎ 134
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
After releasing his hit song about his farm, Old Mac Donald started receiving some letters from his fans.

"E” β€œI” β€œE” β€œI” β€œO"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rudy12345mc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dmort1996
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I received an email today from the owner of a German sausage processing plant, he said I could have it for only 1000€

I agreed and wired him the money. What’s the wurst that could happen?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustacius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
We received your test results from the urologist...

Urine for a surprise!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsaSnap
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently received a book with β€œdo not read until the year 2030” written on the cover

But that’s a story for another time

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a skeleton receive mail?

Posthumously!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superfuzzypotato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.

He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."

"And the hot dogs?" I asked

"Nitrates"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ServiceB4Self
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I created a new post earlier but received loads of hateful comments...

Now I've got post traumatic stress

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daedalus-95
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...

I had stage freight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a caterpillar's worst enemy?

A dogerpillar.

This was a joke from my first book of jokes I received on my 8th birthday. I felt it was appropriate on my cake day.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertJSh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dog receive after he finishes his PHD in genetics?

A pet-degree

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluegame1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
PSA: if you receive an email with the subject ding dong. Whatever you do, don’t open it.

It’s the Jehovah’s witnesses working from home

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YellowSnow2807
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.

I've won a Nobellly Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
All the Indian bakeries in my town shut down because of Covid.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theaut0maticman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I jokingly asked my mailman if they test all packages for coronavirus, but he didn't laugh, and now I'm not receiving any letters.

I think my delivery may be off.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"

Wife: "It's sunny outside"

Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaellasalle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A stormtrooper and a red shirt get into a fight

Despite not receiving a single hit, the red shirt died.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bald man say when he received a comb as a gift?

"Thanks! I'll never part with this!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/omg123456789
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I found my dog had a stash of stolen goods inside his kennel.

I think he might be a Labrador Receiver.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
And god said to John β€œcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”

But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life

But he cane fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dildo_Swaginns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IwantaWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best birthday present to receive?

A broken drum. You just can’t beat it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Acidmarkieee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you receive a watch for Christmas

There's no better time than the present

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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