I saw a donkey with a stained glass window affixed to it's rear end...

What a pane on the ass!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Why should you never make an award shaped like a feline rear end?

It's always a cat-as-trophe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/retief1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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What do you call the rear end of a part man, part lion?

It's Sphinx-ter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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I got rear-ended by a rental car today

It hertz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.

He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled β€œI AM NOT HAPPY!”

To which I replied, β€œWell which one are you then?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seshimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it.

I stopped in the Name of the Lord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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A bread truck rear-ended me on the interstate and then sped away.

It was a hit and bun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
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New car = great dad joke?

I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds.

Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, "I guess the dealership should have given me a....spoiler alert."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawritsmoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Got into a car accident today..

Rear ended a car at a stop sign. Guy jumps out and starts walking back to my car -turns out he is a little person so I roll my window down and he says; β€œI’m not happy”. So I look down I and say; β€œOh yeah? Then which one are you?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc127
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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I was walking round a shop when I noticed a mooning gnome solar powered lamp...

I looked at my wife and said surely if he's mooning, it's lunar powered right?

(I hope everyone understands "mooning" is when someone gets their rear end out, dunno if it's just a British term)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alfherin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
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I'm headed home to do some mechanic work.

I'm putting a rear end in my recliner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JibJabJake
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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A tribute to the glutes.

I might have assthma, butt it could be type two diabooties. I hope these puns aren't bumming you out, they're just for the crack. I don't mean to be cheeky, although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Butt some of them are easy to get behind

You don't have to be anal about it, its not like you're the butt of the joke. I mean anusthing is possible, I think I'm getting to the rear end of these puns now.

It's asstounding how long this is lasting. I mean I don't want to half-ass it. Okay, I'll leave out the back door, but its so dark out, I can even see the full moon!

Just kidding I'm back.... side. Okay okay I'll bring it to a robust end. It's all behind me now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelaLugosisGhost
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2017
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i'm practicing for when i hit the big time...

girlfriends cat ate about 5" of the string to tie off one of her dresses, it was partway out of the cats rear end when she got home from work- saw it- called vet- was told to take her to the local animal hospital.

So we get there and shes explaining to the receptionist what happened, I dropped them with a "we're just in knots about it", and during the wait with a "sophia's (the cat) really stringing us along with this one". My favorite was with the doctor when she finally brought the cat out saying she seems ok to take home- "well all set then? no strings attached?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs-benedict
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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This page brings back fond memories for me. (Dad joke inside as well)

My dad had a real goofy and dadly sense of humor. He past a way about 4 years ago but all the jokes here remind me of the ones he used to make. I'm smiling so hard as I go through these.

One of my favorites was the mole joke: One day a house near a molehill was making pancakes. Daddy mole comes up, sniffs, and says,"I smell pancakes." Mamma mole pops up next to him, sniffs, and says I smell pancakes too!" Baby mole hears his parents but can't get past their rear ends. So he says,"All I smell is molasses!"

7 year old me was in tears every time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lets_improve_us
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Dadjoked my G/F during Furious Seven (Spoiler Alert!)

Right at the end of the first chase scene where Paul Walker is running on top of the bus and Michelle Rodriguez spins her car around for him to grab the rear, I turned and said (quietly):

"They showed that in the trailers, talk about your.....spoilers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooGrip
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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My dad dropped this one on me and my sister while in the car today...

"The other day I rear-ended a car, and a midget walks out looking all pissed. He says, "Mister, I'm not happy!" So I reply, "If you're not Happy, which dwarf are ya?!"

The best part is, after every dad joke my dad tells, he finishes it with "I don't care who you are, that's funny." No dad, just no.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/so_very_special
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Older gentleman told this joke at a Boy Scout campfire program a while ago. Thought it would fit here.

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoofpint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
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I went on a school trip over the weekend, where there was one guy always trying to get everyone to laugh

At one place where we'd stopped for lunch, several people noticed a butt-print on the back of one of our vehicles, and this guy looking rather amused with himself. Once everyone had noticed and was aware of the situation, he proudly said, "Well, looks like the van got rear ended!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elyezabeth
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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A short Dad joke

So I'm driving and at the traffic light, I accidentally rear-end someone. I sit there astonished, and then out from the car I hit comes a small guy. He says in a stern voice "I am not happy!" To which I reply: "Well, which one are you then?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForgingIron
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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gay bar dad joke

So my dad, and I were driving and we past a gay bar in my town. My father noted that there was a tow-truck in their parking lot, and with the biggest shit eating grin on his face he said "It looks like someone got rear-ended."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_aquacats
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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Friend Dropped a Dad Joke

#1: "My dad is a proctologist, you wouldn't believe what he's had to remove from people's rear ends. For example, did you know that to get a light bulb out, you have to encase it in plastic first so it doesn't shatter?"

#2: "Why would anyone put a light bulb in their ass in the first place?"

#3: "He must have thought it was a bright idea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZachofFables
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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My dad came home from work alittle late last night

He walks in the door and says he just got into a car accident and said he was rear ended by a little person. The little person walks up to his car and my dad opens the window. He says "im not happy" and my dad responds "so which one are you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sillymatt114
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
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Rear-ended a midget

Rear-ended a midget the other day. He got out of the car and told me "he was not happy" So I asked, "which one are you"?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nkfallout
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
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I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it.

I stopped in the name of the Lord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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