Rag Gourd Puns

𝕮𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖍 𝖇𝖞 𝕸𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖓’𝖘 𝖒𝖞𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑,

𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝕳𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝖘𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖘 𝖍𝖊 𝖒𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖑𝖑,

𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓: 𝕭𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖆𝖑’𝖘 𝖘𝖕𝖆𝖜𝖓.

𝖄𝖊𝖙 𝕸𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖒 𝖓𝖔 𝖒𝖆𝖓’𝖘 𝖕𝖆𝖜𝖓.

𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝖜𝖎𝖟𝖆𝖗𝖉 𝖚𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙

𝖙𝖔 𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖘𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖒𝖔𝖓 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖙𝖊;

𝖎𝖋 𝖍𝖊’𝖉 𝖞𝖎𝖊𝖑𝖉 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝖘𝖔𝖗𝖈𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖗’𝖘 𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖑𝖑

𝖍𝖊’𝖉 𝖋𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖆 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖛𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑.

𝕭𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝖍𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖑𝖔𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖉 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝖉𝖊𝖊𝖕 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖆 𝖕𝖔𝖔𝖗 𝖒𝖆𝖓’𝖘 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉, 𝖜𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖍 𝖘𝖍𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊,

𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖒 𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖘 𝖆 𝖌𝖗𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖔𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖓𝖘𝖊.

𝕳𝖊 𝖐𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖋𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖑𝖞, 𝖇𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖔𝖜𝖓.

𝕹𝖔𝖜 𝕵𝖆𝖘𝖔𝖓-𝖔𝖋-𝖙𝖍𝖊-𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖉 𝖍𝖊’𝖘 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜𝖓.

𝕳𝖊’𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖛𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖓 𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖈𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖔𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖓 𝖉𝖆𝖞,

𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓 𝖐𝖊𝖕𝖙 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 𝖆𝖙 𝖇𝖆𝖞.

𝕴𝖓 𝕲𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖒 𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖍𝖊 𝖕𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖉𝖊,

𝖇𝖚𝖙 𝖜𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖘 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖑𝖙 𝖆𝖎𝖉...

####𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖌𝖔𝖓𝖊, 𝖌𝖔𝖓𝖊’𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒 𝖔𝖋 𝖒𝖆𝖓!

#𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕯𝖊𝖒𝖔𝖓, 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓!

Source Key

All feats listed with [Crown of Horns] are done when that fell item’s worn.

[Ley Line] feats are when his might is amplified at Stonehenge’s site.

Feats by [Baby] indicated within his childhood are dated.

>Change, change O form of man. Free the prince forever damned. Free the might from fleshy mire. Boil the blood in heart of fire. Gone, gone the form of man, Rise the demon Etrigan!

#Strength

Striking

Objective

• Knights in plate bar his way and try to slow him down. Without pause Etrigan ploughs through and knocks all to the ground.^(DV1 #1)

• One angry slap is all it takes to cause a woman’s neck to break.^(BotD #12)

• A kick ends with the victim dead^(DV3 #48); separated from their head.^(DV3 #45)

• Head, face, skull, and brains, one punch reduces all to stains.^(BotD #13)

• Twin brutes learn too late to fear hell’s true lord as he bursts both their skulls like two overripe gourds.^(BotD #15)

• [

This is the last one before we get back to the main arc... I swear!

Any of you wonder how a "proper" lady wound up with such a "motley" crew?

The rest of the series can be found here

***

On a pier a small group of Garthra, dressed as if they were going to a ball, stood in the darkness of night as if they were waiting.

After consulting an antique pocket watch, the oldest male opened a box in which there was one vial for each of them containing a number of pills.

“It’s time,” He said with as calm a voice as he could manage. “I’m so terribly, terribly sorry.”

“It’s ok, papa,” a young woman said as she reached in and took her vial and smiled at him.

Each of the others followed suit.

His finely dressed wife reached into a basket and pulled out a dust covered bottle and a small cloth. She wiped it clean and admired it for a moment before passing it to a servant.

Giving them a weak smile, the stripe pulled a corkscrew from his pocket.

He filled a glass for each of them.

“It’s been an honor, My Lord,” he said as he handed the eldest his glass.

“Thank you, Gvvalan,” the richly dressed noble said.

“I… I shall take my leave now, My Lord,” Gvvalan said desperately trying to keep his voice from breaking.

“Very good, Gvvalan,” the baron replied.

Gvvalan walked away trying to keep his steps even until he was no longer in sight…

...then, bursting into tears, he fled.

The Baron of Eastladen held the glass to his snout and inhaled.

“It is as fine as a vintage as they say,” he said appreciatively, “I had hoped we would share it under better circumstances but—“

He cut his eyes back at his daughter, who had her tongue halfway down into the glass.

“Marruna,” he sighed with a weak smile, “Could you, this one time, at least try to practice decorum?”

Lady Marruna sucked her tongue back in.

They all turned to a distant mountain range as the planet’s moon started to rise above the peaks.

The Baroness nuzzled him fondly.

“Even after all of this time,” she sighed sadly, “I’ve never tired of that sight.”

As the moon continued to rise, the Baron turned to the small group.

“For over three quartrains the Eastladens have presided over this land, guided it through the years, the wars, the unification, and the peace that followed. Later, we helped guide our people into the very heavens themselves…”

He looked downward.

“And in the space of a single year, the last Baron of Eastladen ru

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

And boy are my arms legs.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Halloween was our family’s favorite time of year. A chance for the kids to dress up and play outside before the winter cold set in. My wife had put together an astronaut costume for our four year-old Melissa, but she was more interested in carving the jack-o-lantern. She was enthralled by the oddly shaped pumpkin we found at the bottom of the pile at the local farm stand. Ugly-pretty, she called it. It looked like it had a tumor to me.

Daddy! I want to carve the pumpkin, she said as she bounced down the stairs.

You know I would let you carve it, but your mom says you’re not old enough. I’m going to do all the cutting, but I’ll let you scoop the guts out. How about that?

I want to scoop the guts out, she clapped her hands together in glee.

What should we carve?

I want it to be scary. Can you make it look scary?

I didn’t think a frightening jack-o-latern was the best idea for a four year-old and her friends. I’d already drawn up a distinctly non-terrifying design and penciled it onto the pumpkin’s flesh. What about this?

Not scary enough dad. I want it scary, she emphasized the word, drawing it out.

How about spooky, I countered with a similar emphasis. I left the eyes the same, but redrew the jack-o-lantern’s grin, making the mouth more ragged and stretching the corner into a grimace.

He looks like he’s crying.

It was close enough to scary for me. I was no artist after all. I stuck the serrated knife into the top and sawed around the stem, carefully working my way around the ugly-pretty bulge. The lid made a popping sound when I pulled it off.

Are you ready to scoop guts? Get your spoon, I told Melissa.

She laughed and plunged her hand into the pumpkin’s center. It’s slimy, she said, her fists full of orange muck.

We worked to empty the inside, scraping the fibrous tissue and throwing it into the trash bin. I let Melissa do most of the work. It took longer this way, but we had more fun. I used a small bread knife to carve out the facial features from the thick skin. It looked pretty good to me.

What do you think, Melissa? Is it done?

It needs ears. Add some ears!

This is how we can do ears, I told her. I picked up a discarded piece of pumpkin flesh, shaped it with the knife and stuck it to the side of the pumpkin with a toothpick. The combination of the grimacing smirk, misshapen ears, and tumorous growth looked legitimately frightening. Moreso due to my lack of pumpkin carving skins than our design. It wasn’t what I had planned on, but l

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

I won't be doing that today!

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

[Removed]

𝕮𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖍 𝖇𝖞 𝕸𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖓’𝖘 𝖒𝖞𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑,

𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝕳𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝖘𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖘 𝖍𝖊 𝖒𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖑𝖑,

𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓: 𝕭𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖆𝖑’𝖘 𝖘𝖕𝖆𝖜𝖓.

𝖄𝖊𝖙 𝕸𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖒 𝖓𝖔 𝖒𝖆𝖓’𝖘 𝖕𝖆𝖜𝖓.

𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝖜𝖎𝖟𝖆𝖗𝖉 𝖚𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙

𝖙𝖔 𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖘𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖒𝖔𝖓 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖙𝖊;

𝖎𝖋 𝖍𝖊’𝖉 𝖞𝖎𝖊𝖑𝖉 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝖘𝖔𝖗𝖈𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖗’𝖘 𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖑𝖑

𝖍𝖊’𝖉 𝖋𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖆 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖛𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑.

𝕭𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝖍𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖑𝖔𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖉 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝖉𝖊𝖊𝖕 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖆 𝖕𝖔𝖔𝖗 𝖒𝖆𝖓’𝖘 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉, 𝖜𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖍 𝖘𝖍𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊,

𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖒 𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖘 𝖆 𝖌𝖗𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖔𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖓𝖘𝖊.

𝕳𝖊 𝖐𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖋𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖑𝖞, 𝖇𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖔𝖜𝖓.

𝕹𝖔𝖜 𝕵𝖆𝖘𝖔𝖓-𝖔𝖋-𝖙𝖍𝖊-𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖉 𝖍𝖊’𝖘 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜𝖓.

𝕳𝖊’𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖛𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖓 𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖈𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖔𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖓 𝖉𝖆𝖞,

𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓 𝖐𝖊𝖕𝖙 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 𝖆𝖙 𝖇𝖆𝖞.

𝕴𝖓 𝕲𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖒 𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖍𝖊 𝖕𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖉𝖊,

𝖇𝖚𝖙 𝖜𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖘 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖑𝖙 𝖆𝖎𝖉...

####𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖌𝖔𝖓𝖊, 𝖌𝖔𝖓𝖊’𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒 𝖔𝖋 𝖒𝖆𝖓!

#𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕯𝖊𝖒𝖔𝖓, 𝕰𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖓!

Source Key

All feats listed with [Crown of Horns] are done when that fell item’s worn.

[Ley Line] feats are when his might is amplified at Stonehenge’s site.

Feats by [Baby] indicated within his childhood are dated.

>Change, change O form of man. Free the prince forever damned. Free the might from fleshy mire. Boil the blood in heart of fire. Gone, gone the form of man, Rise the demon Etrigan!

#Strength

Striking

Objective

• Knights in plate bar his way and try to slow him down. Without pause Etrigan ploughs through and knocks all to the ground.^(DV1 #1)

• One angry slap is all it takes to cause a woman’s neck to break.^(BotD #12)

• A kick ends with the victim dead^(DV3 #48); separated from their head.^(DV3 #45)

• Head, face, skull, and brains, one punch reduces all to stains.^(BotD #13)

• Twin brutes learn too late to fear hell’s true lord as he bursts both their skulls like two overripe gourds.^(BotD #15)

• [A

And now I’m cannelloni

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.